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Far from what I once was, but not yet what I'm going to be

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm Still Looking Up

This week's been hard. Really really hard. Nothing crazy or horrible or scary or depressing happened - it just wasn't my week (and it's not even over).

I'm not a person to stress. Like at all. I'm such a chill "don't worry, be happy", "every little thing is gonna be alright" kind of person. I'm not one to worry or be overwhelmed.

But when I do stress and feel overwhelmed, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO HANDLE IT. I'm seriously the worst at it.
There has only been one other time in my life when I felt this stressed and overwhelmed - my senior year of high school. And if you know my story, you know that was the worst medical/health year of my life. I pretty much spent the year at Phoenix Children's. Everything that could possibly go wrong with my health DID go wrong. And what did the doctors say the causes were of ALL of my conditions? STRESS.
(But more on that another time.)

Looking back, even though that was the worst year of my life - it was the BEST year of my life. I went through a lot. A LOT. Countless hospital and doctor visits, the loss of my great grandfather, a break-up (HA!), senior year, choosing a college, being senior class president. IT WAS A LOT.

But that year was the closest I've ever been to the Lord.

After that year, when everything seemed to settle down and life became "normal" again, I found myself not feeling as close to the Lord as I had in the tough times. And I hated that. I wanted to feel Him that close to me all the time. I didn't want to be one of those circumstantial Christians who calls out to God only when I need Him. I know I need Him ALL the time.


People called me crazy when I told them that I missed the days of my senior year. Because even though I faced huge obstacles, terrifying situations, painful losses, and life-altering days, I had true joy. Joy that came from the Lord. I had joy and love and hope and I felt Him carrying me through every waking moment.

I miss that.

This week took me back to that place. A place of pain and stress, brokenness and a sense of being overwhelmed. YEP my Pre-Med major has caught up to me. I'm really struggling. Going to tutoring for the first time ever. Spending HOURS on homework and studying. I've never had to do that. But it's necessary and I know that.

I want to be one of those people who (after graduating from PA school) looks back and says "I always knew I could do it. I believed in myself the whole way through and never doubted. Never once did I think of giving up."

But I'm not that person.

I've never been a quitter. And I'm not going to start now. But this week hit me like a ton of bricks. The desire to give up overwhelmed me like never before. I just wanted to quit. "I can't do this" was all that was crossing my mind. I couldn't help but cry. (Really, Cara?! Over school?!) It sounds stupid and ridiculous; but I'm struggling. I'm trying really hard and just not succeeding. That's never happened to me.

Now is the time that I have truly realized the definition of drive and determination. Two things I need to hold onto.

However, in my stress and pain, brokenness and sense of being overwhelmed, I'm crying out to the only One who can comfort me and help me through it. He never fails me. Never once did He leave me. He never will.

And like my roommate is constantly reminding me,
I'm not the only one feeling this way. I WILL get through this. I WILL succeed - by HIS strength, not my own.

XOXO

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart Cara! Life is hard sometimes. It's awesome to know that the The Lord never fails us huh?
    I have faith in you too!
    xoxo

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  2. That first pic is so funny LOL... Thanks for the inspiring post! I just came across your blog and I'm your newest follower :) Would you mind checking out our blog & if you like, following back via GFC and Bloglovin'? Looking forward to your next post! xx

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