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Far from what I once was, but not yet what I'm going to be

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm Still Looking Up

This week's been hard. Really really hard. Nothing crazy or horrible or scary or depressing happened - it just wasn't my week (and it's not even over).

I'm not a person to stress. Like at all. I'm such a chill "don't worry, be happy", "every little thing is gonna be alright" kind of person. I'm not one to worry or be overwhelmed.

But when I do stress and feel overwhelmed, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO HANDLE IT. I'm seriously the worst at it.
There has only been one other time in my life when I felt this stressed and overwhelmed - my senior year of high school. And if you know my story, you know that was the worst medical/health year of my life. I pretty much spent the year at Phoenix Children's. Everything that could possibly go wrong with my health DID go wrong. And what did the doctors say the causes were of ALL of my conditions? STRESS.
(But more on that another time.)

Looking back, even though that was the worst year of my life - it was the BEST year of my life. I went through a lot. A LOT. Countless hospital and doctor visits, the loss of my great grandfather, a break-up (HA!), senior year, choosing a college, being senior class president. IT WAS A LOT.

But that year was the closest I've ever been to the Lord.

After that year, when everything seemed to settle down and life became "normal" again, I found myself not feeling as close to the Lord as I had in the tough times. And I hated that. I wanted to feel Him that close to me all the time. I didn't want to be one of those circumstantial Christians who calls out to God only when I need Him. I know I need Him ALL the time.


People called me crazy when I told them that I missed the days of my senior year. Because even though I faced huge obstacles, terrifying situations, painful losses, and life-altering days, I had true joy. Joy that came from the Lord. I had joy and love and hope and I felt Him carrying me through every waking moment.

I miss that.

This week took me back to that place. A place of pain and stress, brokenness and a sense of being overwhelmed. YEP my Pre-Med major has caught up to me. I'm really struggling. Going to tutoring for the first time ever. Spending HOURS on homework and studying. I've never had to do that. But it's necessary and I know that.

I want to be one of those people who (after graduating from PA school) looks back and says "I always knew I could do it. I believed in myself the whole way through and never doubted. Never once did I think of giving up."

But I'm not that person.

I've never been a quitter. And I'm not going to start now. But this week hit me like a ton of bricks. The desire to give up overwhelmed me like never before. I just wanted to quit. "I can't do this" was all that was crossing my mind. I couldn't help but cry. (Really, Cara?! Over school?!) It sounds stupid and ridiculous; but I'm struggling. I'm trying really hard and just not succeeding. That's never happened to me.

Now is the time that I have truly realized the definition of drive and determination. Two things I need to hold onto.

However, in my stress and pain, brokenness and sense of being overwhelmed, I'm crying out to the only One who can comfort me and help me through it. He never fails me. Never once did He leave me. He never will.

And like my roommate is constantly reminding me,
I'm not the only one feeling this way. I WILL get through this. I WILL succeed - by HIS strength, not my own.

XOXO

Friday, January 25, 2013

Even When The Skies Get Rough.

This post is a little continuation of the last. We all know I LOVE Jason Mraz. Yeah yeah yeah. And I'm sure we've all heard his hit single "I Won't Give Up" and you think "oh what a sweet, cute love song."

No.

It's so much more than that. HE'S so much more than a sappy love song writer. This man is real and raw and honest. I love how he pours his heart out describing the process of writing "I Won't Give Up."

He admits feeling alone and depressed, even though he's "got it all." He watched all of his dreams come true. He was catapulted into fame and fortune, success and the spotlight - but he's realized that's not what makes the heart happy.

Jason realizes there is SO much more to life than money and fame. He's real with his followers and admits to even considering taking his own life at one point. After understanding this is was not the answer, he traveled the world and truly lived life. He learned the meaning of family, love, happiness. He grew into a more spiritual person and has come to believe that there is a greater being out there looking over all of us.

He may not be a "Christian" but even he knows that this isn't all an accident. Even he knows that humans are designed to search the universe for someone or something to fill the void in our hearts that no amount of money or fame or success can fill.

This song means so much to me. When I listen to it, I don't think about Allie and Noah in "The Notebook" and dream of a love like that. No. I think about my life, my dreams, my relationship with the Lord and with dear friends. I WON'T GIVE UP. Not on life, not on my dreams, not on my relationship with the Lord, and not on relationships with dear friends.

Life gets hard. Things change. But love is a choice. You're not always "feelin it." You have to wake up each day and choose love. You have to know that love conquers. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love is not proud or rude. It does not envy or boast. Love is slow to anger. Love is forgiveness.

I choose to love you. For all that you are and all that you have been. I choose to love you despite your weaknesses, your flaws, your sin - past, present, and future.

I choose love.

And I will never give up on love. God has never given up on me. And He's never given up on you. He will never give up on you in the future. Even when the skies get rough, He's giving us all of His love. I want to emulate His love for me and pour it out onto others.

No, it's not always going to be easy. It's going to be really hard sometimes. You're going to get angry. You're going to get hurt. But only one thing can release you of that pain and anger - LOVE.

I'm a lover. And I will NEVER give up on love. I will NEVER give up on you.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

I Won't Give Up

I Won't Give Up - by Jason Mraz (click this link!)

Please watch this video and see the true beauty and meaning behind this amazing song.

Ask yourself, "Who am I BEING right now? Who am I being by not powerfully choosing which direction I want to go?"

I find myself asking this question constantly. I hate making decisions. I'm terrible at it and it's uncomfortable. I really just don't like it.

I know what I want out of life, but when it comes to certain situations, I just really hate making decisions.

I spent tonight with a couple good friends talking about this concept. The three of us are all in the same boat about a certain topic in our lives right now. We had no idea the other two were feeling the exact same way. It was so refreshing and comforting to know that I'm not alone in this. I'm not alone in this struggle in my head and my heart.

They have the same thoughts. They have the same fears. They have the same doubts.

But who am I being by not powerfully choosing which direction I want to go?

This is my dream. And I won't give up. Even when the skies get rough. I'm giving it all my love. I'm still looking up.

XOXO

Monday, January 14, 2013

You can ALWAYS come back home

This song means so much to me. More than you know. The words are so powerful and so beautiful. They ring true for me - and they're true for you too.

93 Million Miles (<Click this link!) by Jason Mraz. Do yourself a favor and watch this video. Listen to the words and soak it all up.


"93 million miles from the Sun, people get ready get ready,
'cause here it comes it’s a light, a beautiful light, over the horizon into our eyes
Oh, my my how beautiful, oh my beautiful mother
She told me, "Son in life you’re gonna go far, and if you do it right you’ll love where you are
Just know, that wherever you go, you can always come home"

Ohh…

240 thousand miles from the Moon, we’ve come a long way to belong here,
To share this view of the night, a glorious night, over the horizon is another bright sky
Oh, my my how beautiful, oh my irrefutable father,
He told me, "Son sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part.
Just know, you’re never alone, you can always come back home"

Ohh…

You can always come back…back…

Every road is a slippery slope
There is always a hand that you can hold on to.
Looking deeper through the telescope
You can see that your home’s inside of you.

Just know, that wherever you go, no you’re never alone, you will always get back home

Ohh…

Ohh…

93 million miles from the Sun, people get ready get ready,
'cause here it comes it’s a light, a beautiful light, over the horizon into our eyes…"

You can ALWAYS come back home. You're never too far gone.

XOXO