He walks with me through fire.

"Why am I discouraged?
     why is my heart so sad?
  I will put my hope in God!
     I will praise Him again --
     my Savior and my God!"
          Psalm 42:11

"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first."
          John 15:18

"When you go through deep waters,
     I will be with you.
  When you go through rivers of difficulty,
     you will not drown.
  When you walk through the fire of oppression,
     you will not be burned up;
     the flames will not consume you."
          Isaiah 43:2

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These verses have been heavy on my heart lately. I have been discouraged. My heart has been sad. I have felt hated and betrayed. I have been going through deep waters & rivers of difficulty. I am walking through the fire of oppression.

But I have hope.

I worship a G-d who will walk through the fire with me. He DOES walk through the fire with me. (Daniel 3)

Suffering is necessary in the Christian life. Every season of suffering I walk through gives me a deepened relationship with my Maker & my Father. I always say, "it's in the dark places His light shines the brightest." And I believe that with every ounce of my being. If it weren't for the dark places and the hard places, I wouldn't appreciate who He is nearly as much and I wouldn't appreciate the bright, joyful times.

But as I've learned, there are two kinds of suffering: productive suffering and unproductive suffering. I so desperately want to be productive in my suffering -- to surrender all control to my Father, to put my hope and my trust in Him, to wrap myself in His loving arms of comfort, and to cover myself in His peace. To rid my heart of bitterness and selfishness, to look past what is in this moment and see there are far better things ahead because the Lord promises good to me. To simply BE in His presence and cling to Him.

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The past year and a half has taught me so much.  I've learned that I used to place my identity in all the wrong places. I didn't know my worth. I doubted that the Lord was speaking to me and that I could hear His voice (John 10:27). But I've seen the light. The truth has been revealed to me. My identity is in Christ. I am of immeasurable worth because my Father and the Creator of my heart is El-Shaddai - G-d Almighty - and He claims me as His own and He calls me His own special treasure (Deuteronomy 7:6).

So why am I so discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?

Because even though I KNOW these attributes of G-d and I KNOW where my identity is and I KNOW my worth -- I often forget. I'm so easily blinded by man and what mere mortals have to say about me.

But then I remember: He went before me. Jesus has gone before me. He was betrayed. He was hated. To the point of death on a cross.

He says, 
"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first.  The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you."
John 15:18-19

He called me out of this world. In 1 Peter 2:11, we are called strangers in this world. Foreigners. So when I feel hated or betrayed or like I just don't belong, it's because I don't. I have been called out of conformity.

So when you feel betrayed, know they hated Him before they hated you. It is the enemy's goal to cause division. Let us not give him a foothold.

"But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you."
Luke 6:27-28

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"When you walk through deep waters,
     I will be with you.
  When you go through rivers of difficulty, 
     you will not drown.
  When you walk through the fire of oppression,
     you will not be burned up;
     the flames will not consume you."
          Isaiah 43:2

Remember that old story in the book of Daniel chapter 3 with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? Where King Nebuchadnezzar is going to throw them into the fiery furnace because they refused to bow down to his golden statues and fake gods.

This story has been one of my very favorites these past few months. I heard that story a thousand times growing up. But there's an incredible couple of verses in Daniel 3 that I seemed to have missed growing up -- or maybe they just didn't carry such weight when I was younger.

King Nebuchadnezzar has just been informed that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego have refused to bow down to his gold statue. He is furious and demands they come before him. He gives them one last chance to bow down to the statue before he is going to throw them into the blazing furnace. Their response blows me away,

"O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. BUT EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will NEVER serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."
Daniel 3:16-18

What an incredible faith they exhibited. They knew they worshiped a G-d mighty enough to save them from the fiery furnace. They had faith and confidence that He WOULD save them. But they knew that EVEN IF HE DIDN'T, He is still good.

"L-rd, I believe; help my unbelief!"
Mark 9:24

This is so often my prayer. L-rd, I believe; help my unbelief. I want a faith like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Moments from being thrown into the fire and they stood firm and faithful to the L-rd.

Maybe you know the end of the story? Nebuchadnezzar is infuriated by this response from the 3 young men, so he orders the flames be turned up 7 times hotter and has them thrown into the fire. The guards tending to the flames died from the heat, but Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego walked among the flames unscathed. And a fourth man was seen walking among them.

We worship a G-d who will walk through fire with us. He will not let you be burned up.

So the next time you find yourself going through rivers of difficulty or walking through the fire of oppression, I hope you take comfort in knowing that the G-d of the universe is walking through it with you. The flames will not consume you.

XOXO

Leap of Faith

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14:22-33 ESV)

I just love this story. What most people remember of this story is Peter's fear, which made him begin to sink. But what I see here is Peter's faith in the first place; Peter had to take a leap of faith to even step out of the boat, onto the water. Peter did have faith. Yes, he let fear and doubt creep into his mind once he looked at the storm around him -- like many of us do in our lives -- but he took the initial steps.

It is so important to keep our eyes on the One who does not sink.

On my adventure here in Uganda, I took a literal leap of faith. I went bungee jumping. 152 feet over the Nile river. You may think it's silly, you may call me crazy; but this was a leap of faith in my life.

This experience wasn't just a touristy thing for me -- it was symbolic. I often struggle with wanting to be in control of the situations in my life. I want to know the outcomes of scenarios and direct my own steps. But that's not how life works -- it's not how God intended it. I have to trust that His plan is perfect. So I leap. I leap into His loving arms, trusting in Him. I take a leap of faith.

As I stood up on the platform ready to take my leap of faith, the man who tied my feet to bungee cord asked me if I was nervous. I replied with, "yeah, a little bit." Obviously I was terrified. I have never been so scared in my life. He looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "You will be fine. In the name of Jesus Christ, I say you will be just fine." It's just what I needed in that moment.

I chose to tandem bungee with my gal pal Tina. Yes, I was still afraid as Peter was. But I took my leap of faith. And in the name of Jesus Christ I say, I am just fine :)

I pray you take your leap of faith; whether it's a literal leap, or just trusting The Lord with His plans for your life. Let go and let God.

XO

Not Hydro

I will now take a break from my light-hearted posts of funny memories and moments of the trip to reflect on the deeper and more meaningful, life-changing parts of this journey.

Day one working in the hospital, I was working with Dr. John and we took a patient and his mother into the medical examination room. The appointment started out normal - just like the previous 5 patients we had seen that day.

This patient was 9 months old and lay there in his mother's arms expressionless. As the mother explained to Dr. John her concerns with the child, she seemed hopeful and joyful -- for she was at the best neuro hospital in the country and knew her son would receive great care. This mom spoke Luganda - the native language - so Dr. John had to keep translating back and forth between me and the mother so I could understand what she was saying. Throughout their whole interaction, all I could do was just stare at the beautiful baby boy laying in his mother's arms. He lay motionless, expressionless; the entire time.

This didn't seem like hydrocephalus. She didn't mention a growth on the back indicating spina bifida. What did this precious boy have?

Finally, Dr. John looked at me and said "I think this child has cerebral palsy." We ran some tests to confirm. He was sure. He then translated to the mother and explained the condition of the child to her. I watched as her face dropped. The smile I had seen throughout the entire appointment was gone - and I wouldn't see it again. She didn't look Dr. John in the eye. She didn't look at her sweet son. She stared out the window with a stern face.

Dr. John proceeded to tell her that CURE does not have the resources available to treat cerebral palsy patients and we would have to refer them elsewhere. After explaining this and the child's condition in great detail -- still without any eye contact from the mom -- Dr. John asked her if she understood. She grunted in agreement and stood up and walked out the door.

My heart broke in that moment. The mother that came in to our exam room so hopeful and joyful, walked out a different woman.

I see so many success stories here at CURE -- so many. But this particular case on day one really hurt my heart. Could we do nothing for them? Did we really have to send them away? I know the regional and government hospitals are poorly run and they would not receive great care. But CURE is such a specialized hospital - and cerebral palsy doesn't fall into the category of treatments done here. 

But my heart.

And then I think of the success stories we have here at CURE. Every day we have victories and triumphs. Everyday lives are saved and healed because of Jesus Christ and because of His power in those who work here.

Sometimes it hits me. The immensity of it all. There is so much need - and I am one person. I am inadequate. And I knew that coming here. But sometimes when I work so hard to make one child smile or make one child feel loved, my heart breaks all over again for the thousands that live each day without knowing what being loved feels like and that go a whole day without a smile lighting up their precious faces. 

And then The Lord comes in a still small voice and whispers to me that this one is enough. It's enough that this one is feeling His love. Because that love is eternal. Eternal.

XO

The Work.

Once again, apologies for the ridiculous chunks of time that pass between my posts.

It's late September and I'm still trying to wrap up some posts on a June mission trip!

But as we all know, life gets crazy sometimes - and NOW is that time for me.

The Work.

The work we did in Guatemala was far greater than any other mission trip I have been a part of. It was also the first trip where I could physically SEE the difference we were making. I could SEE the progress and mark we were leaving on this village. And it never ceases to fill my heart with warmth and love as well as fill my eyes with tears of joy and blessing.

What my team and I did in Guatemala was build a new church for the people of this small (in land) but large (in population and love) village. SO COOL. Being a part of this work was amazing. Never in my life did I expect to be a part of a construction team or project. I mean look at me. Think about it. . . People like myself aren't really cut out for this kind of work. But as one of my favorite quotations states "God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called."

It was so obvious to me that I was being called to be a part of this team, this mission, this work. I heard the Lord loud and clear. I felt Him tugging on my heart strings like never before. I NEEDED to do this. And boy am I glad I listened to His call.

I have never experienced God the way I did on this trip. I was in a tiny village I had never heard of before, being the hands and feet of Jesus to people who loved Him like I had never seen.

Talk about CRAZY LOVE!

It's still amazing to think I was a part of building something that the body of Christ will gather in and praise His name! Day after day. I know it's not about me. But it's such an incredible feeling to know that I am the most unlikely person to do this sort of work, but God qualified me for the job - and I did it! Not in my power, but in His.

And I felt the Lord blessing ME while He was blessing these people through my team and I. My heart is so full from this trip. STILL. It literally changed me. These people made a mark on my life that will never go away. My heart is branded by them forever.

And the Lord threw a little something my way on the trip as well. You see, it's always been a dream of mine to do medical missions. And one day of this trip, I was able to work in the medical clinic. That day is forever ingrained into my memory. I don't speak Spanish. Like at all. But the Lord miraculously gave me the words to speak with the doctor and the patients and understand what was going on. I was able to take their vitals and listen to their symptoms and how the doctor diagnosed them. It was heartbreaking hearing the stories of what happened to these people, and even more heartbreaking to hear how much time had passed since their symptoms began. . .

Months, YEARS even. And they never saw a doctor. They don't have that opportunity. And that is exactly what drives my dream of medical missions. People that NEVER get to see a doctor and live with pain and agony from childhood, well into adulthood and live through the pain.

But it was amazing to be a part of this medical experience for them. AMAZING. A dream come true. And I love that my dream came true through helping others. There's nothing like it.

The work we did there was visible, but also personal. I left feeling so full of love, blessing, and that I truly, truly helped. And these people are the warmest, friendliest, and most loving people I have ever met. I want to be like them.

I love her :)

Pressure's on!

My favorite trainer (Marvin) and Frank!

Love these little faces

Before

Nice work ladies!

Dramatic shot

Best teammate ever

Progress

TROUBLE

Is that a smile?
That means we're doing good, right?

Romelia

Little Samuel. Adorable as ever.

Nick work Frank, Seth and Esteban!

Break-time hike

Seth with our unbelievable trainers!

Team Perfection.
Most beautiful walls award goes to. . .
MORGAN AND CARA

Chop that block Ryan!

My Ruth.

Team Awesome.
Ryan, Me, Marvin (our incredible teacher)

Re-bar (?) haha I think

Medical Clinic!
(This is the dentist at work)

Meet Ruth

The sweetest little girl I ever knew. Ruth is 9 years old and the first born in her family. She is SO strong. She helped carry those huge and heavy blocks down a hill with us. She had more strength than I do for sure. She followed me everywhere. And I loved every second of it. She even followed me to the bathroom! And when I came out of the bathroom, every time she would be sitting there waiting with a bucket of water she ran and got for me to wash my hands in.

She told another girl on the trip that we have beautiful hands. Morgan, in response, said "YOU have beautiful hands Ruth!" And Ruth's response was, "No, look how clean they are. They are so beautiful!"

These people don't have running water. They have wells. And is the water even clean? MMM no. Not really. Not safe to drink for Americans.

In her eyes, cleanliness is beauty. Some of us can't stand to go a day without a shower. . . These poor Guatemalan people have never had the luxury of taking a shower. Maybe rinsing off with a wet cloth; but they don't even have soap.

She sat here everyday and watched for hours as I worked. Laying block. So patient. So happy. So smiley! I love this girl so.

She was so patient with me and my crazy limited Spanish. And even took the time to teach me a little bit. Her smile so warm and friendly. Melting my heart away each second I saw it. And smiling seemed to be one of her favorite things to do. Because it was rare to catch her without a smile.

The last day, Ruth wanted me to meet her mom. I was so honored that she wanted her mom to meet me! How cool! What a big deal! She ran home and dragged her mom out to where we were working and introduced us. Beautiful moment.

My sweet beautiful Ruth with her mom

Ruth stole my heart from day one and she is a beautiful girl that I will never forget in all my days. So loving. So giving. So generous. So sweet. SO INCREDIBLE. I love you, my sweet Ruth!

This is Ruth and her best friend Maura
Cuties!

Some of my last moments with these sweethearts.
Ruth is the one with her arm around me :)

Maura, Ruth, and Romelia.
These three were inseparable and glued to me every second

Oh how I love that smile

The three best friends that anyone could have

Love her!!