sometimes He does give you more than you can handle

There's this wild rumor that has spread for as long as I've been alive. I am sure you've heard it. People love to say, "God won't give you more than you can handle."

LOL

That's just not true. He does allow life to seem like way too much sometimes. He does allow it to seem, at times, that everything is out of control. The truth is, He's always in control no matter how chaotic circumstances may look. BUT I really do believe that sometimes He gives us more than we can handle.

Just give me a second to explain. The Lord is for you. He's on your side. He will never leave or forsake you. He is love. And love is what He does.

It's not like He's up there in heaven throwing obstacle after obstacle after sickness after trial and suffering at us until He sees us unable to juggle everything; just so He can watch us crash and burn. No. That's not loving and that's not Him. BUT I do believe He ALLOWS things and seasons and circumstances to occur that seem like way too much. But I think He allows it so we can refocus our attention on Him and come to the realization that we need Him way more than we're willing to admit (or even think) we do.

Now take a look at Job. Do you think Job had all of those horrible circumstances and situations totally handled? No. Do you think it was too much? Um, YEAH. But Job trusted. He had faith that the Lord would rescue him. He had faith that the Lord would be his strength when he had none, that the Lord would be his joy when it seemed like there was nothing to be joyful about. He had faith that the Lord would be His comfort when everything in his life was absolute chaos. Job did something so incredible and it often gets overlooked.

I absolutely believe the trials and sufferings Job faced were "more than he could handle." But guess what; there's a lesson in there. The thing is, we are supposed to rely on the Lord for everything. Literally EVERYTHING. But so often, we have this mindset that we can tackle most things on our own. In our normal day to day routines, we feel like we've got it handled and we keep God in our pocket to pull Him out when something big happens and we need His help.

This is a dangerous mindset. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). Yes, that is true. BUT apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15:5). NOTHING. I walk through life so often not even realizing that I'm trying to do things in my own strength. I apply to grad schools and think I can do it on my own. But I can't.

Apart from Him I am nothing and I can do nothing. Why am I not relying on Him for everything in every moment? At what point in my life did I think, "Nope, I don't need Him. I got this on my own. Yeah, I know He's omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, perfect, just, mighty, miraculous, a healer, etc. But I can do it without Him. Yeah, sure, He created the world and everything and sent His only Son to die in my place so I can live eternally with Him, but I don't need His help. I can do this on my own. Yes, I know He has raised the dead to life, eliminated sickness, parted the Red Sea, done miraculous signs and wonders, but it's alright. I've got this on my own."

Of course it's never that blatantly obvious in our minds that that's what we are doing.

But let me get back to the point. Our God loves us so deeply (John 3:16). His love is literally perfect (1 John 4:7-21). He's not a petty God that just wants to stick it to us at times to spite us with an "I'll show you!" mindset. No, that's who we are as sinners. I am a firm believer, however, that He's always speaking (John 10:27). There's always a lesson He is teaching us.

And in those seasons where it's just too much. I think the lesson is quite obvious. You can't do it on your own. It's too heavy. It's too much. We need to rely on Him. We need to surrender control. We need to trust Him in the waiting, trust Him in the dark, trust Him in the uncertainty.

He tells us to cast all our cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7). His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30). I don't know about you, but words like easy and light sound pretty appealing to me -- especially in a season of trials and suffering or in the face of adversity.

So when I'm completely overwhelmed trying to process the death of a precious 7 year old boy whom I loved dearly, and my grandpa is diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and Alzheimer's, and my uncle has hepatitis C that has progressed to cirrhosis of the liver, and my grandma is unconscious and unresponsive and we have to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital and then when she's home again she falls and splits her head open, and when my mom is in a car accident and has burns and bruises up and down her body and the neurologist comes back with a scan and says there is a funny little spot on her brain that a neurosurgeon needs to check; YEAH, I think it's safe to say it's too much to handle. But it's only too much to handle if I'm trying to do it on my own and in my own strength.

There's no such thing as too much or too big or too far gone for God. He is limitless. He is eternal. He is everything and everywhere.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:14)

"But He said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid." (John 14:27)

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. But in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

xo

He walks with me through fire.

"Why am I discouraged?
     why is my heart so sad?
  I will put my hope in God!
     I will praise Him again --
     my Savior and my God!"
          Psalm 42:11

"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first."
          John 15:18

"When you go through deep waters,
     I will be with you.
  When you go through rivers of difficulty,
     you will not drown.
  When you walk through the fire of oppression,
     you will not be burned up;
     the flames will not consume you."
          Isaiah 43:2

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

These verses have been heavy on my heart lately. I have been discouraged. My heart has been sad. I have felt hated and betrayed. I have been going through deep waters & rivers of difficulty. I am walking through the fire of oppression.

But I have hope.

I worship a G-d who will walk through the fire with me. He DOES walk through the fire with me. (Daniel 3)

Suffering is necessary in the Christian life. Every season of suffering I walk through gives me a deepened relationship with my Maker & my Father. I always say, "it's in the dark places His light shines the brightest." And I believe that with every ounce of my being. If it weren't for the dark places and the hard places, I wouldn't appreciate who He is nearly as much and I wouldn't appreciate the bright, joyful times.

But as I've learned, there are two kinds of suffering: productive suffering and unproductive suffering. I so desperately want to be productive in my suffering -- to surrender all control to my Father, to put my hope and my trust in Him, to wrap myself in His loving arms of comfort, and to cover myself in His peace. To rid my heart of bitterness and selfishness, to look past what is in this moment and see there are far better things ahead because the Lord promises good to me. To simply BE in His presence and cling to Him.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

The past year and a half has taught me so much.  I've learned that I used to place my identity in all the wrong places. I didn't know my worth. I doubted that the Lord was speaking to me and that I could hear His voice (John 10:27). But I've seen the light. The truth has been revealed to me. My identity is in Christ. I am of immeasurable worth because my Father and the Creator of my heart is El-Shaddai - G-d Almighty - and He claims me as His own and He calls me His own special treasure (Deuteronomy 7:6).

So why am I so discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?

Because even though I KNOW these attributes of G-d and I KNOW where my identity is and I KNOW my worth -- I often forget. I'm so easily blinded by man and what mere mortals have to say about me.

But then I remember: He went before me. Jesus has gone before me. He was betrayed. He was hated. To the point of death on a cross.

He says, 
"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first.  The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you."
John 15:18-19

He called me out of this world. In 1 Peter 2:11, we are called strangers in this world. Foreigners. So when I feel hated or betrayed or like I just don't belong, it's because I don't. I have been called out of conformity.

So when you feel betrayed, know they hated Him before they hated you. It is the enemy's goal to cause division. Let us not give him a foothold.

"But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you."
Luke 6:27-28

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

"When you walk through deep waters,
     I will be with you.
  When you go through rivers of difficulty, 
     you will not drown.
  When you walk through the fire of oppression,
     you will not be burned up;
     the flames will not consume you."
          Isaiah 43:2

Remember that old story in the book of Daniel chapter 3 with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? Where King Nebuchadnezzar is going to throw them into the fiery furnace because they refused to bow down to his golden statues and fake gods.

This story has been one of my very favorites these past few months. I heard that story a thousand times growing up. But there's an incredible couple of verses in Daniel 3 that I seemed to have missed growing up -- or maybe they just didn't carry such weight when I was younger.

King Nebuchadnezzar has just been informed that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego have refused to bow down to his gold statue. He is furious and demands they come before him. He gives them one last chance to bow down to the statue before he is going to throw them into the blazing furnace. Their response blows me away,

"O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. BUT EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will NEVER serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."
Daniel 3:16-18

What an incredible faith they exhibited. They knew they worshiped a G-d mighty enough to save them from the fiery furnace. They had faith and confidence that He WOULD save them. But they knew that EVEN IF HE DIDN'T, He is still good.

"L-rd, I believe; help my unbelief!"
Mark 9:24

This is so often my prayer. L-rd, I believe; help my unbelief. I want a faith like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Moments from being thrown into the fire and they stood firm and faithful to the L-rd.

Maybe you know the end of the story? Nebuchadnezzar is infuriated by this response from the 3 young men, so he orders the flames be turned up 7 times hotter and has them thrown into the fire. The guards tending to the flames died from the heat, but Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego walked among the flames unscathed. And a fourth man was seen walking among them.

We worship a G-d who will walk through fire with us. He will not let you be burned up.

So the next time you find yourself going through rivers of difficulty or walking through the fire of oppression, I hope you take comfort in knowing that the G-d of the universe is walking through it with you. The flames will not consume you.

XOXO

What I Would Tell My High School Self

For the past two years, I have taught Sunday school to Kindergarten through 4th graders. It was challenging, but so rewarding and one of the most growing experiences of my life.

My last Sunday was about a month ago.

Instead of my usual routine, the youth pastor had me join "the big kids."

In the leader meeting before church on this particular Sunday, the youth pastor, Nissa, gave all of the leaders an assignment: if you could go back and tell your high-school-self something, what would it be?

I took this assignment very seriously. And here is what I came up with.

PLANS

You can't plan your life. The Lord has a plan for you. Ultimately, you want HIS plan for your life because nothing you think up or dream up will ever come close to the Lord's plan. I tried to plan my life; who I would marry, where I would live, how many kids I would have and each of their names, what my profession would be... Everything. And when it all came crashing down, it was devastating. I was broken, bitter, angry and confused. It took a long road to healing for me to understand that you can never plan your life on your own. Nothing in this life is certain except for the Lord's unending love. Through His comfort, strength, peace and joy, I realized I don't even want MY plans. His plans are greater because HE is greater. He knows my heart. He knows my every thought. He knows what is best for me & He knows my future. There is no need to worry because the Creator of the universe holds my life and my world in His hands. I don't want my small, petty plans to come true. I want to see His plan unfold.

IDENTITY

Your identity is not in who you are or what you do; your identity is in WHOSE you are. And I am His. I am the Lord God's. Jesus Christ bled and died for ME; that I may live with him forever. It was my sin that held Him on the cross and He knew my name and every sin I would commit as He hung there. He conquered death and forgave me. Oh, what a love.

I used to find my identity in other things. I found my identity in my boyfriend. I lost who I was in a relationship because I was no longer an individual; I was no longer Cara. I identified myself as his girlfriend; as half of a relationship. And when that relationship ended, I didn't know who I was anymore. I lost myself.

I found my identity in my grades at school -- which left me always feeling like a failure because I could never be good enough. This is not the Lord's intention for us. We are not defined by boyfriends or grades. I am a child of God. I am His. That is my identity. And that, I can never lose. That won't fail.

FULFILLMENT

You will never be fulfilled by worldly things. The things of this world are temporary. This life is temporary. You will never be fulfilled by having more money, more clothes, a newer car. Only He can fulfill you. He knows your every need.

He lives in me and that is how I am fulfilled.

Alcohol will never fulfill you. Don't even go down that path. It will only lead to destruction. The ONLY thing that will fulfill you is the one who created your heart. And He WANTS to be that for you. Only He can make you whole; comfort you in times of trouble, give you strength when you have none, give you joy when circumstances are so dark you forget what the light looks like. He is truth. He is life. And it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

XOXO

Plans & Priorities

If there's one thing I've learned over the last year -- just one -- it's that I can make all the plans I want, but Jesus will probably wreck them and turn them into something even more beautiful than I ever dreamt possible.

But before the beauty comes pain. Before the beauty is brokenness. Your plans are wrecked, remember? It hurts. It's hard. You have dreams and hopes and expectations; & it all comes crashing down before your very eyes.

And there He is. Jesus. To pick up all the pieces of my broken heart and shattered dreams. Smiling. Arms stretched open. He IS comfort. He IS strength. He IS joy. And He gives these things to me & He pieces my heart back together and places new hopes and new dreams in me that are now founded in Him and are so much greater.

A year ago my plans were simple. My dreams were small. My priorities were mixed up. It took a broken heart, some shattered dreams and my Jesus piecing me back together so much more beautifully than before to realize these things.

I stand here today a different woman. A woman grounded in faith, hope, and love. A woman who is bold and courageous to do the uncomfortable and face the impossible -- with God at my side. A woman who listens to the Lord, not man.

I stand here today with a new plan, to "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. . ." Matthew 28:19-20

It's a year later and I have a whole year of experiences under my belt. Experiences full of the Lord's presence and grace. Experiences full of the Lord's love and comfort. It's a year later and I finally have my priorities straight. I can say that with confidence.

So when different people come at me and tell me to get my priorities in order -- I can confidently say, "they already are." Jesus told us to love God & love people. That's the priority. That's the plan.

""Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."" Matthew 22:36-39

Psalm 112:7
2 Timothy 4:17
Zechariah 2:5

XOXO

Mzungu || Happy Birthday Mark

**Note: this post was written on June 22, 2014 but never published. Today seemed better. Happy birthday, Mark.

Who would have thought that the person who changed my life the most on this journey -- the one who left the most significant impression -- would be a white guy from South Carolina?

Let me tell you about Mark. (Mark if you're reading this, please don't kill me).

Mark changed my life without even knowing it. He softened my heart and changed me. And I never even told him that. What a shame.

Mark met The Lord 3 years ago and was transformed by His love, mercy and grace. I see Christ in Mark every day.

I see Christ in Mark's interactions with the mothers at the hospital - the way he is so gentle and kind to them, knowing they are afraid. I see Christ in Mark when he loves on the kids and makes them smile through their pain and adversity. I see Christ in Mark when he buys the street children chapati because they are too poor to eat tonight.

Mark changed my life and changed my heart with just a couple conversations and he never even knew it.

He used to work in the music industry. He worked with some pretty big names and he helped create a huge company that we've probably all heard of. He knew success. But he met The Lord and he knows that stuff isn't what matters -- and that's what I love about Mark. He said to me, "I make significantly less money each year working for CURE than I did before. But I would make the decision to leave that life and come here all over again because it's worth it. It's worth it every single day."

Now, Mark is the CUREkids Coordinator. He is a photographer and he writes stories for the CURE blog. He interviews the moms of the patients and asks them how they got to CURE, and all about the child and their journey. It's a pretty awesome job.

Mark gets it. He understands it's not about money. It's not about fame and fortune. It's about loving God's people -- and loving them well; which he does.

And if you could see Mark interact with the kids and the moms, you would understand. This man loves. He loves well. This man spreads joy like I've never seen. The children love him. The moms open up to him. Mark is so special. His life is a gift to all who know him.

In another conversation, Mark said to me, "I don't miss places and I don't miss things; I miss people." Again, Mark gets it. Things don't matter. In this life, material  things will rust and get destroyed, but people matter. Every life matters. We are called to love. Relationships matter. And Mark understands that.

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
(Matthew 6:19-21 ESV)

During my time in Uganda, I laughed a lot with Mark. He's such a joy to be around and I know he has found favor in the eyes of The Lord.

But another thing about Mark is that he has seen pain. He has experienced loss and heartbreak -- and he has remained faithful to The Lord in those times and been an incredible encouragement to me.

There are times when I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my heart and my head -- I want to write them all down but sometimes I just can't find the words. Mark was such an encouragement to me on this journey because I came across his blog. Through his blog, I was able to see into his heart; I saw deeper into his heart than I ever did speaking with him. In his blog, Mark wrote the words I struggled to write myself. He felt the same way I felt; and he so eloquently wrote it down. I found such comfort in his words and in his writing. I hope you will to.

Here is an excerpt from just one of my favorite posts on his blog: (click link below to read the whole post)

No one said this would be easy

 "When everything else falls apart, the gospel remains.  When you can't make sense of your life, the gospel still holds true.  When you feel abandoned, confused, worthless, stagnant, trapped, hopeless.  The gospel doesn't lose strength or power.  It isn't affected.  In fact, it's amplified.  Its light is brighter.

If there's one lesson that I'm constantly learning and being reminded -- it's that every life is worth it. Every life is a contribution. In a country with tremendous distance between social classes, feelings of inferiority radiate from guardians, villagers and beggars. We are not to disregard the lame or meek, yet we do. I see it everyday. I feel guilty. I feel sadness. I know that I want to love people, all people. Everyone is worth it. Not having money or a job or an education doesn't discount the worth of a person in Gods eyes. I want to see them through gospel lens. I want to see them as a child of God, worthy of time, encouragement, and sacrifice. It's where I feel most vulnerable and uncomfortable. When I don't know how to help or what to say. But it's also there that I feel God. I feel His presence. When I get someone to smile that has been cursed at, overlooked and ignored all day. When I treat people like people. With respect and dignity. We're all fallen. We all need grace. We are in the same boat. We could at least try to connect."

- Mark Barrett

These are the things I love about Mark. He's broken, he's flawed, he's imperfect; but he's learning and he's loving through it. He's selfless and he's generous. He's caring and he's giving and he has a heart of gold. He's adventurous and honest.

Mark,

I am so thankful for you. I am thankful for your humor. I am thankful for your joy. I am thankful for your adventurous spirit. I am thankful for your generosity. I am thankful for the lessons you taught me. And I am thankful for your wisdom.

I pray The Lord gives you clarity for your future. Know His plans for you are great. Know His plans for you are perfect and filled with life, love and adventure. I pray for your heart -- that you will be guided by our Father and hear His voice clearly. I pray you continue to heal the sick and proclaim the kingdom of God.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 ESV)

XO

PS.  If I saw you in heaven, I WOULD know your name 

Next Big Adventure

Dear Friends & Family,

I recently had a mentor ask me, “When do you feel most alive?” I thoughtfully considered my reply and realized that I feel most alive when I answer the Lord’s call to go overseas and serve His people. Last summer, I was incredibly blessed with the opportunity to do just that – I answered the Lord’s call and I traveled overseas to Uganda for 7 weeks to intern at a Pediatric Neurosurgery hospital. Because of that experience, my passion for serving His people overseas was ignited even more; and I am excited to announce that in the summer of 2015 I will be travelling to Scotland to serve His people once again.

            In July 2015, I will be on a team with seven other women partnering with Young Life for 3 weeks in Scotland. We will be putting on Young Life camps for the local youth there.  Young Life recently purchased a campground in Crieff, Scotland and we have been blessed with the opportunity to be a part of the very first summer of Young Life camp.  The vision of Young Life is that every adolescent will have the opportunity to meet Jesus Christ and follow Him.  The mission of Young Life is introducing adolescents to Jesus Christ and helping them grow in their faith.  I can’t wait to be a part of this mission and this vision! Each year I seem to think the Lord is done with me doing mission work overseas – and each year He shows me He is just getting started.

             As you know, there are many moving pieces when it comes to trips such as this, and that is why I am writing you. First and foremost I would like to ask for your prayers. Please join me in praying for the kids that will arrive at this camp, that their hearts will be prepared, even now, to experience the Gospel in a very real way and that their lives will be forever changed. I would also encourage you to pray for the leaders and property staff, that the Lord may give them strength and knowledge to come alongside these campers and walk with them through their journey. Lastly, I would love to ask for prayers of provision for our team as we fundraise over the next several months. My goal is to fundraise $3,200.00. I would like to ask and encourage you to support this trip financially in any way that you can.  Any amount will be appreciated and I hope you will come alongside me in this next adventure. I wholeheartedly believe that The Lord will do big things through this camp and through our trip in reaching kids who long to know Jesus and I am honored to be a part of this advancement in the Kingdom.

            Thank you for taking the time hear about my life and what is coming in the next chapter. I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Love always,Cara Clancy

John 14:18​

Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

Well that's just not true. That's one of the biggest lies we've ever been told. Words have power. Words are like a hammer. They can be used to build something beautiful, or they can be used for destruction - to tear something down.

Lately, stones have had a symbolic place in my life. As I have unpacked different feelings/emotions and been able to process certain events and journeys in my recent life, I have come to realize I allowed my heart to become a heart of stone. I caught a glimpse of bitterness and my hard heart. It was an ugly sight to see in myself.

It took coming to a breaking point - a point of utter exhaustion and despair to finally look inward and see these things in myself. I couldn't understand why, in this moment, I didn't have the joy I always had in every other difficult circumstance.

"I'm so tired," I would say.

When I had typhoid, I took it head on with a smile on my face and the joy of the Lord in my heart. I didn't let it get me down. I didn't feel defeated. Every time I broke a bone, tore a tendon, was in the hospital or had to have surgery, the Lord gave me peace and joy and strength.

But this time was different. This time felt heavy. This time I'm tired. I'm so exhausted. I had come to a breaking point and finally looked deep within and saw the ugliness of my heart of stone. A heart of bitterness. A heart that needed to forgive and let go of past hurt.

The symbolic heart of stone really did some wear and tear on my body. I've been sick. I've been in so much pain. Finally, the doctors informed me - I have kidney stones. How ironic it's a stone. A stone that will cause much pain before my body feels better - but it's because I must face it, and wash the stone away before I can be refreshed and new again.

It's been a good season, though. Encouragement is never far away when you have the good mentors that I do. I find strength and encouragement in Psalm 71. I find encouragement in knowing that David - a man after God's own heart - struggled at times and had such deep pain and dark moments, even considered walking away at times, but never did; and the Lord commends him and considered David a man after His own heart.

And I find ultimate joy and encouragement today in this:

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
Ezekiel 36:26 ESV

XO

I'm tired

I'm sick.

Again.

I'm not worried. Not stressed. No anxiety or fear has crept in.

But I'm tired. I am so tired. Mentally, spiritually & physically.

Throughout my life, I have dealt with countless injuries and illnesses. And I have taken on each obstacle with a smile on my face and the joy of The Lord in my heart. He has always given me the perseverance to push through. He has been my strength and my portion. He has always carried me through each trial and filled me with His peace that surpasses all understanding.

This summer was no exception. I had typhoid and I took it head on -- with a smile on my face and the joy of The Lord in my heart. He gave me patience when the doctors lost my blood and I had to wait an extra 10 days and had to re-draw all the bloodwork; He gave me peace when it took 6 weeks to be diagnosed and I was sick and in pain. He gave me a smile when the world was telling me I should be sad and disheartened. But I never doubted.

Here I sit. Just weeks later -- sick again. Exhausted in every sense of the word. Burned out. 

But I cling to the words my Jesus has said, 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 MSG)

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 ESV)

XOXO

I went to Africa and got Typhoid Fever

"So, was it worth it?"

The burning question -- a question I have been asked countless times. My answer? YES.

One word. Yes. It was worth it. It is worth it every day. It will be worth it for the rest of my life.

Let me explain. I spent 2 months in Africa. I ate the street food, I ate the food in the villages. I ate with my hands when there were no utensils, and at times I was unsure if the water I was drinking had been boiled. I did NOT get the typhoid vaccination before going on my epic adventure across the world - that was my own fault.

So yes, I contracted Typhoid Fever. What is it? Typhoid Fever is obtained by eating or drinking contaminated food or water. It is a bacteria that lives in the body called Salmonella Typhi. Individuals typically develop symptoms 2 to 21 days after being exposed to the bacteria.

I developed symptoms a week after my return to the States. Headache, nausea // vomiting, muscle aches, weakness, neck pain, back pain, the food poisoning scene from bridesmaids was my life.

I finally received my diagnosis of Typhoid Fever after THOROUGH testing over a month and a half of ER visits and Infectious Disease doctor appointments. My bloodwork was sent to the CDC [they really did the whole 9 yards.]

After finally figuring out it was typhoid, the doctor informed me I would have to complete the Typhoid Fever treatment. It seemed simple enough; just a round of the harshest antibiotics at the highest dose possible. No big deal. However, I was warned that the treatment often makes patients sicker than the actual illness. No problem, right? I'm tough. I've gone through everything imaginable. WRONG. Day 1 of that treatment was the roughest day of my life physically. But I got through it. Thank you Lord.

I was also informed that since going untreated for awhile, the Salmonella Typhi will always be in my blood. How exciting! But no worries everyone, typhoid can only be spread person-to-person through urine and stool. And I always thoroughly wash my hands after using the restroom ;)

I have been praising The Lord that typhoid is treatable. I have been praising Him that the treatment is only 7 days. He truly has blessed me; I am so thankful.

Now back to the burning question we started with.

"So, was it worth it?"

YES. It was worth it when I was sick. It's worth it now, being on the treatment and feeling worse than I did just with typhoid. And it will be worth it every day of my life, knowing I have Salmonella Typhi swimming in my blood.

Why?

Because I saw God's love, God's work, God's children. Because I was able to be His hands and feet. Because I felt His calling and purpose. Because even in the midst of life's circumstances, The Lord gives me joy and peace and hope. He gives me strength.

Take the world, but give me Jesus.

XO

Honesty Hour

I am struggling. My heart hurts. I feel so selfish saying those words because I have everything. I have the love of my Lord and Savior. I have a roof over my head. I have a family who is supportive, encouraging and loving. I have incredible friends. I have enough to eat today and tomorrow and all week. I have money in my bank account.

Why is my heart so sad? Why am I so discouraged?

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (Psalms 42:11 NLT)

I'm struggling because I'm lost. I'm lost and confused and hurting. I've known since 5th grade what I wanted to do with my life. I had it all planned out. I was going to grow up and be a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. Well things change. Life takes a turn; but I was still on track to become a PA [physician assistant] -- and work in pediatric orthopedics. It's been my dream. Since fifth grade!

Well here I am. One year away from graduating with my bachelor's degree and I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm discouraged. I'm struggling. Is this really what I want to do? Is this what I'm made for?

I so badly want to live a life of purpose. I strive for a life of meaning. Will this life be the life I desire?

I have new dreams. Dreams to join the Peace Corps. Dreams to do the World Race. Dreams that give my life purpose and meaning. I want to help people in a tangible way. I want to be the hands and feet of Christ -- to the ends of the earth.

We all have seasons of life. Bright ones. Dark ones. Easy ones. Difficult ones. The highs and the lows. I know this is a season. A season of growth and change; one where I am discovering my calling.

I believe The Lord speaks. I just need to listen. He will guide my steps and direct my path.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. (John 10:27 ESV)

And the Lord came and stood, calling as at other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” And Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant hears.” (1 Samuel 3:10 ESV)

Speak Lord, your servant is listening.

XO

Questions.

How was your trip? What did you do while you were there?

Two questions. Two simple, innocent questions. Questions I have been asked countless times. Questions that seem so easy, so harmless; why are their answers so difficult? Why are the words so hard to find?

It's difficult for many reasons. I begin to describe my trip and what I did, then I see the friend I am talking to start to lose interest. Do they really even want to know about my trip? Or do they just ask because they know it's how I spent my summer?

Those two months changed my life. I can't water it down. I can't give you a reader's digest version. It was 2 months FULL of love, FULL of life, FULL of healing, FULL of meaning, FULL of friendship, FULL of Christ. I don't ever want to downplay those 2 months.

But it's hard - it's so hard to put into words my experience.

Ernest Hemingway once said, "write hard and clear about what hurts." I do my best. Here is my greatest effort to capture the adventure of my life in Uganda. Why does it hurt? Because I'm no longer in Uganda. Because I left the people I came to love. Because the Lord broke my heart for what breaks His. Because my eyes were opened to the great need of so many people, while I live in surplus at home.

How was your trip?

Incredible. Amazing. Fantastic. Fabulous. Radical. Awesome. Stellar. Excellent. Spectacular.

What did you do while you were there?

I built friendships.

While in Uganda, I created lasting friendships. I still speak with my friends from Uganda regularly. The people there made a lasting impression on my life. They live in such a way that inspires me. They inspire me because they truly rely on The Lord to show up every day and provide for their every need. They are so  filled with joy. It was impossible to walk around the hospital or a village or into town without seeing several people smile. But these people truly cared about me. They wanted to know about my life and who I am and what I do and how I live. I became sick once I came back and they have covered me in prayer and ask almost daily how I am feeling and what the latest update is. I developed deep friendships with some of the most incredible people on earth -- and it happened in such a short time. I am so thankful for the conversations I had and the relationships I developed. The Lord was at work in each conversation and in each friendship.

Rebecca

Miriam. Spiritual Mother

Stewart.

Mark.

I shared Christ.

I was able to witness people give their lives to Christ. What a joyous occasion to be able to celebrate individuals enter the kingdom and become a part of the family forever! The week-long outreach in Gulu impacted me as much as it impacted the people we were teaching. They taught me just as much about love and faith and service as I could show them through the life of Jesus Christ in God's word. The small group conversations with the women in Gulu were truly incredible - they showed their faith as well as their faithfulness to The Lord. It was inspiring. I was touched and I saw The Lord show up several times as they shared personal stories. Our God is great.

I held babies.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I have always LOVED kids. KIDS. Never been a fan of babies. They cry and pee and poop and puke. Sometimes they're cute, but I've never had the urge to hold one. Until Uganda. Oh boy did I fall in love with hundreds of babies. They captivated my heart. I held babies and loved on them like the Father loves me. It was so heartwarming to see the moms of each child smile so big each time I held their son or daughter. It's not often someone outside the family wants to hold their child; so for an outsider to come and show their child love is a really big deal to them -- especially if their child has hydrocephalus or spina bifida. But how can you not love those precious babes? It's a direct look into the Father's heart. He loves them. I love them. Each child was so filled with joy. Oh how I love them. I wanted to keep them all.

Did I mention I love kids?

I worked in a hospital with the most incredible staff.

The staff at CURE Uganda is absolutely stellar. To have a group of so many incredible individuals in one workplace is like a dream come true. I fell in love with each person I met. They all extended such a warm welcome and they exuded the love of Christ both to me as well as to each patient and their family. They truly are healing the sick and proclaiming the kingdom of God. These spectacular people taught me so much about medicine, life, and Christ. They are so selfless. They work long, hard hours and they truly do love each and every patient that is brought through the doors of CURE Uganda. Each patient received fantastic care because the doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, surgeons, and other hospital staff prayed over them and took careful care of them. It touched my heart and made me want to be a healthcare professional just like that in the future.

I was adventurous.

I was so blessed to be able to live a life of adventure. God created such beauty in His masterpiece called Earth. Uganda doesn't disappoint. Sipi Falls. The Nile. Jinja. Bungee Jumping. Hiking. It was all amazing and it all brought me closer to His heart. I crave a life of adventure. Uganda will forever be in my heart. I hope and pray that one day I may return.

XO

I prayed. He answered.

I prayed. I prayed that God would place a dream in my heart so big that if it came true, it would be clear to me; it would be clear His love is deep, it would be clear HE made my dream happen, and it would be clear I was made for this.

He answered.

I prayed. I prayed, "Break my heart for what breaks yours." And Jesus wrecked my heart. He wrecked my heart and he wrecked the perfect little life I had planned out for myself.

He answered.

I prayed. I prayed that God would reveal that people like me are out there. People that love, and love hard. People that desire travel. People that require adventure. People that write. People that understand what life is about. People that don't need things; people that get it.

He answered.

I prayed. I prayed that God would radically change the way I live. That I wouldn't come back home and return to a life of normalcy; but rather make important and intricate changes - changes like living on less and living for more.

He answered.

The Lord is funny sometimes. We pray and pray - at times expectantly and other times not so much. He always answers. He always answers. He doesn't always answer the way we expect or the way we hope; but He always answers.

The Lord is funny because I prayed my prayers and His answers were, at times, completely unexpected.

I prayed about a dream and The Lord answered. He answered by placing a dream in my heart so big that I knew I could never achieve it on my own. The Lord placed a dream in my heart to do medical missions in Africa. I didn't know how I would get there. I didn't even know where on the continent I would go - but I KNEW The Lord placed this dream in my heart, and I KNEW He would see me through. And He did. He finished this work in me. The Lord allowed me follow this dream and fulfill this dream. He gave me the incredible opportunity to go to Uganda for 2 months and work in a Pediatric Neurosurgery hospital. It was the most incredible trip of my life. It was the most fulfilling time of my life. I met the most amazing people. I fell in love with a new place and a new people. The Lord showed me His love for me through this dream of mine. He showed me His love is deep. He made it clear to me that I was made for this.

I prayed. He answered.

I prayed, "Break my heart for what breaks yours," and He did. He broke my heart in more ways than one. The Lord revealed to me areas in my own life where I was not putting Him first. This breaks His heart - and that broke my heart too. He revealed this to me through certain events that wrecked my heart and turned my little life upside down. I thought I had everything planned out - but the thing is: you can't plan out your life without The Lord. His plans are greater.

  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I tried to plan my future on my own. But the Lord's plan for my future is way better than any plan I can dream up myself. Though my heart hurts at times and feels broken, I have hope and I'm excited for what HE has in store for me - because His love is deep and His love is wide. He knows my every need.

He broke my heart in other ways when I went to Africa and saw true poverty, real sickness, and what it means to be abandoned. This breaks His heart; it broke my heart too.

But seeing these things allowed me to know the need and be the light. We are called to be the light of the world - and being in a third world country in the middle of all these things, it was amazing to be able to share Christ's hope and love and light.

I prayed. He answered.

I prayed that God would reveal people to me. He did. He revealed to me that there are people like me. People who love, and love hard. People that desire travel. People that require adventure. People that write. People that understand what life is about. People that don't need things; people that get it.

I prayed. He answered.

I prayed that my life would change once I came back from my trip. He answered. But I am still a work in progress. The Lord answered this prayer by changing my view of what is important in life - but I constantly find myself frustrated. You see, in Uganda, I never saw a child complain about anything. That is not an exaggeration. Being back at home, I work as a camp counselor for children going into kindergarten. My days are filled with whining and complaining and crying over things hardly worth the tears. Now, I find myself constantly frustrated at people feeling entitled, people's greed, and how spoiled our children are. Don't get me wrong - I love them with all of my being, and they still bring me joy; but I can't help but think of the precious kids in Uganda who have next to nothing and never complain. They find something in the trash and it will be their toy and most treasured possession for days.

My life did change radically. My heart changed. Everything that is important to me shifted. My priorities changed.
Money doesn't matter. Material things don't matter. Where I live doesn't matter. What matters is my relationship with the Lord and that I make those around me feel loved.
Love and Christ matter.

I prayed. He answered.

XOXO

Ships and Anchors

Hebrews 6:19 says "We have this hope as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure."

If our souls contain the anchor, then my heart is the ship. And right now I am shipwrecked. But there's hope. There's always hope.

I'm shipwrecked because I am no longer in Uganda, but I sure as heck ain't home. Where is home anyway? Home is just a word we use to describe a feeling, isn't it? "Home is wherever I'm with you." "Home is wherever we are if there's love here too." The list goes on. . .

But me -- my heart is in so many places, with so many people. My love is all over the world. Part of my heart is in America, part of my heart is in Jamaica, part in Guatemala, and part is in Uganda.

I'm shipwrecked. I'm a nomad. A wanderer; without a home. But that's okay -- I'd rather it be that way and have love. I'd rather be a nomad without a home and have parts of my heart in different countries than only be in Phoenix.

My life is full this way. The journey is long. Sometimes it's dark. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you fall. Sometimes I'm scared. Sometimes I feel alone. But I have hope. I know I will eventually see light. I know my burden will lighten. I know my Father will pick me up. And I know I am being held ever-so-tightly.

I saw a lot when I was living abroad -- a lot of things that were heavy on the heart. But nothing compares to the emotions of coming home. It's the hardest part of the whole trip. I struggle with anger, anxiety, deep sadness, and other emotions I can't even put into words.

I didn't want to leave Uganda. I never wanted to leave. I don't want to go back to "normal" life in America -- where people feel entitled, where people complain about anything and everything, and where we have way too much. I don't want that life.

I want a life where I eat beans and posho everyday because that's all I can afford. I want a life where I live in a hut that I have to smear cow dung on. I want a life where I rely on The Lord for my every need -- instead of relying on myself.

But I'm learning that I can live like that anywhere. I don't have to be in Africa to live a life fully reliant on The Lord. I don't have to be in Africa to live a life that is poor in the world but rich in the kingdom of God. I can live like that anywhere. And what a statement to live like that in America -- where it's all about money, material things and "making it" on your own. I will not conform to the patterns of this world.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2 NIV)

My heart hurts coming home. But God is good. He knows my heart. He understands my pain and he knows my suffering. He hurts with me and comforts me. He is teaching me so much.

I'm thankful for this storm that is weathering my heart. I am thankful He is my anchor. I am thankful for the hope He gives me each day to carry on and know that loving His people is all I'm called to do. I am thankful for the ship that is my heart -- even though at times I feel shipwrecked, I will never sink.

Thank you Father for sharing your people with me for 7 weeks. Thank you Father for showing me Your heart. Thank you Father for letting me love like you do.

XO

Goodbyes aren't easy.

Have you ever been to the beach, standing in the waves just admiring the beauty around you - when all of a sudden, the most powerful wave comes out of nowhere, catches you off guard and completely knocks you off your feet?

That's how I feel right now as CURE Children's Hospital of Uganda disappears in the rear view mirror of our van.

I feel blindsided and completely knocked off my feet. A wave just crashed into me out of nowhere when I was minding my own business admiring the beautiful people and beautiful places around me.

My heart hurts as I leave people behind not knowing if I will ever see them again; people who have left a mark on my life forever.

Goodbyes are never easy. Words never seem sufficient for my love and appreciation for the people I have met and built relationships with. But I consider myself so blessed to have built such deep friendships and sweet relationships that it makes saying goodbye so hard.

Is my heart wrecked? Absolutely. But I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful because it means my time in Uganda was well spent. The tough goodbye means my friendships are real and I have learned much and loved more. The difficult goodbye means I have been impacted greatly. What more could I ask for?

XO

Leap of Faith

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14:22-33 ESV)

I just love this story. What most people remember of this story is Peter's fear, which made him begin to sink. But what I see here is Peter's faith in the first place; Peter had to take a leap of faith to even step out of the boat, onto the water. Peter did have faith. Yes, he let fear and doubt creep into his mind once he looked at the storm around him -- like many of us do in our lives -- but he took the initial steps.

It is so important to keep our eyes on the One who does not sink.

On my adventure here in Uganda, I took a literal leap of faith. I went bungee jumping. 152 feet over the Nile river. You may think it's silly, you may call me crazy; but this was a leap of faith in my life.

This experience wasn't just a touristy thing for me -- it was symbolic. I often struggle with wanting to be in control of the situations in my life. I want to know the outcomes of scenarios and direct my own steps. But that's not how life works -- it's not how God intended it. I have to trust that His plan is perfect. So I leap. I leap into His loving arms, trusting in Him. I take a leap of faith.

As I stood up on the platform ready to take my leap of faith, the man who tied my feet to bungee cord asked me if I was nervous. I replied with, "yeah, a little bit." Obviously I was terrified. I have never been so scared in my life. He looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "You will be fine. In the name of Jesus Christ, I say you will be just fine." It's just what I needed in that moment.

I chose to tandem bungee with my gal pal Tina. Yes, I was still afraid as Peter was. But I took my leap of faith. And in the name of Jesus Christ I say, I am just fine :)

I pray you take your leap of faith; whether it's a literal leap, or just trusting The Lord with His plans for your life. Let go and let God.

XO

Rafting the Nile

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Pharaoh’s heart is hardened; he refuses to let the people go. Go to Pharaoh in the morning, as he is going out to the water. Stand on the bank of the Nile to meet him, and take in your hand the staff that turned into a serpent. And you shall say to him, ‘The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, sent me to you, saying, “Let my people go, that they may serve me in the wilderness.” But so far, you have not obeyed. Thus says the Lord, “By this you shall know that I am the Lord : behold, with the staff that is in my hand I will strike the water that is in the Nile, and it shall turn into blood. The fish in the Nile shall die, and the Nile will stink, and the Egyptians will grow weary of drinking water from the Nile.”’” And the Lord said to Moses, “Say to Aaron, ‘Take your staff and stretch out your hand over the waters of Egypt, over their rivers, their canals, and their ponds, and all their pools of water, so that they may become blood, and there shall be blood throughout all the land of Egypt, even in vessels of wood and in vessels of stone.’” Moses and Aaron did as the Lord commanded. In the sight of Pharaoh and in the sight of his servants he lifted up the staff and struck the water in the Nile, and all the water in the Nile turned into blood. And the fish in the Nile died, and the Nile stank, so that the Egyptians could not drink water from the Nile. There was blood throughout all the land of Egypt. (Exodus 7:14-21 ESV)

I rafted the Nile. The very Nile that was once blood. Now, you may tell me that it was only turned to blood in Egypt, but just let me have this -- please.

My adventure that was rafting the Nile was... Terrifying, invigorating, incredible, and just downright legit.

I never realized I had a "scared face" until I bought the professional photos that were taken of us going down the rapids -- and I saw my facial expression in EVERY.SINGLE.PHOTO. I look like I'm about to cry // I am close to death. Mark joked that if a couple of the photos were cropped, it would look like I just received some really bad news. I'll let you decide for yourself.

Even though it was terrifying, it was SO much fun. We were on the water for a total of 6 hours -- with a lunch break somewhere in the middle. We went down different rapids, ranging from grade 3 to grade 5. [To put this in perspective, a grade 6 rapid is known as "suicide" and no one (not even the guides) are allowed to attempt them.] So grade 5 is pretty intense, to say the least.

I am so happy we got photos of this incredible adventure. It is an experience I will never forget in all my life. The Lord really created a masterpiece when He made the Nile. It's amazing.

Now, feast your eyes on these awesome photos. Courtesy of Nalubale Rafting.

Thank you for following my adventure // journey

XO