Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

Well that's just not true. That's one of the biggest lies we've ever been told. Words have power. Words are like a hammer. They can be used to build something beautiful, or they can be used for destruction - to tear something down.

Lately, stones have had a symbolic place in my life. As I have unpacked different feelings/emotions and been able to process certain events and journeys in my recent life, I have come to realize I allowed my heart to become a heart of stone. I caught a glimpse of bitterness and my hard heart. It was an ugly sight to see in myself.

It took coming to a breaking point - a point of utter exhaustion and despair to finally look inward and see these things in myself. I couldn't understand why, in this moment, I didn't have the joy I always had in every other difficult circumstance.

"I'm so tired," I would say.

When I had typhoid, I took it head on with a smile on my face and the joy of the Lord in my heart. I didn't let it get me down. I didn't feel defeated. Every time I broke a bone, tore a tendon, was in the hospital or had to have surgery, the Lord gave me peace and joy and strength.

But this time was different. This time felt heavy. This time I'm tired. I'm so exhausted. I had come to a breaking point and finally looked deep within and saw the ugliness of my heart of stone. A heart of bitterness. A heart that needed to forgive and let go of past hurt.

The symbolic heart of stone really did some wear and tear on my body. I've been sick. I've been in so much pain. Finally, the doctors informed me - I have kidney stones. How ironic it's a stone. A stone that will cause much pain before my body feels better - but it's because I must face it, and wash the stone away before I can be refreshed and new again.

It's been a good season, though. Encouragement is never far away when you have the good mentors that I do. I find strength and encouragement in Psalm 71. I find encouragement in knowing that David - a man after God's own heart - struggled at times and had such deep pain and dark moments, even considered walking away at times, but never did; and the Lord commends him and considered David a man after His own heart.

And I find ultimate joy and encouragement today in this:

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
Ezekiel 36:26 ESV

XO

Goodbyes aren't easy.

Have you ever been to the beach, standing in the waves just admiring the beauty around you - when all of a sudden, the most powerful wave comes out of nowhere, catches you off guard and completely knocks you off your feet?

That's how I feel right now as CURE Children's Hospital of Uganda disappears in the rear view mirror of our van.

I feel blindsided and completely knocked off my feet. A wave just crashed into me out of nowhere when I was minding my own business admiring the beautiful people and beautiful places around me.

My heart hurts as I leave people behind not knowing if I will ever see them again; people who have left a mark on my life forever.

Goodbyes are never easy. Words never seem sufficient for my love and appreciation for the people I have met and built relationships with. But I consider myself so blessed to have built such deep friendships and sweet relationships that it makes saying goodbye so hard.

Is my heart wrecked? Absolutely. But I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful because it means my time in Uganda was well spent. The tough goodbye means my friendships are real and I have learned much and loved more. The difficult goodbye means I have been impacted greatly. What more could I ask for?

XO

May Angels Lead You In . . .

As some of you may know, right now myself and a lot of people close to me are mourning the loss of a woman so dear to my heart. Connie Williams. I shared a facebook status about her passing yesterday and it was a very difficult day. I woke up to the news of her death. What a wake up call - literally a wake up call.

Bear with me as this is LITERALLY the hardest thing I've ever written.

Mrs. Williams was a teacher at Phoenix Christian at the time of her passing. She was at camp with her 5th grade students when she suffered a heart attack and died minutes later - away from her 3 sons and husband.

Let me tell you about my morning yesterday. I woke up to my phone ringing. It was my mom. I answered. The voice on the other end of the line was shaking and clearly holding back tears. Her words were "Mrs. Williams just had a heart attack. I don't know how she's doing, but please pray! She's at camp in Prescott with her 5th graders right now." *Hang up.* 

"God," I said, "You're in control. I know she'll be okay. Please. Please."

11 minutes later my phone rang again but I didn't hear it. I missed the most important call of my life thus far. How could I do that at such a crucial time? What was SO important? UGH. When I did get to my phone I saw a text. Two words. Never in my life did I think that two words could break my heart, my spirit, my day all at once. But those two words did. "She died," those two words said.

But I couldn't believe it. No tears came. This wasn't real life. It couldn't be. She was too young, too full of life and joy and love and Jesus! She had 3 kids and a husband! She was a teacher of 5th grade students at Phoenix Christian. A HUGE part of my child and adolescent life. Played a major role in my church. So loved by many. How could this be? No - she's not gone. This isn't real. It can't be. I won't believe it.

All day this was my thought process. It wasn't until last night that it hit me. Hard. The tears came. The memories came. The questions came. The heartbreak and the bitter pain came.

Mrs. Williams was a beacon of light around Phoenix Christian and around Bethany Bible Church. I never had her as a teacher, and she STILL had that much of an impact on me. I just wrote a toast for a wedding in October and I mentioned Mr. and Mrs. Williams in it! She and her husband have been a support in every mission trip effort I've been a part of. They have always cheered me on in all my sports. She always encouraged me in my academics when I was feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. She always inspired me to keep going when I felt like giving up. Her laugh and her smile were so infectious. She was a lover. She was an incredible wife and mother - such a family woman. The kind of woman I want to be when I have a family someday.

Her heart was so big and full. There really are no words to describe this incredible woman of God. And though those of us left here on earth have sadness and pain and holes in our hearts because an angel has been taken from us to sit at the side of God, we know she is no longer in pain. We know she is happier than ever and there are no more tears for her. We know there is a reason for everything and that God has a plan. We know that God can turn anything into good and we know that even the ugliest situations can be made beautiful in Him.

Mr. Williams says that she is dancing with Jesus right now . . . And I believe it :)

Jason Mraz says, "Music is our best medicine in a time of healing, as it is also our greatest weapon in the war against unhappiness.."

So I leave you with lyrics from some different songs, because my own words are not enough.

This is for you Mrs. Williams. We love you. You will never be forgotten.

"There's no one in town I know

You gave us some place to go.

I never said thank you for that.

I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,

now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,

I'd sing to you just one more time.

A song for a heart so big,

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in."
Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me

"When all is said and done

And I'm looking back upon this race I've run

And when my heart gives in

I know you'll be beside me precious friend

It's just the same from the beginning to the end

When all is said and done

And if I lose my way

And I wander down this open road for days

And if the sun should fall

And the dancing we once did becomes a crawl

Let the memories move like shadows on the wall

If I lose my way

When I'm coming home

And I walk across the bridge of death alone

I will fix my eyes on the one who's waiting at the other side

It's my old friend with countless others there beside

When I'm coming home

When all is said and done

And I'm looking back upon this race I've run

And when my heart gives in

I know you'll be beside me precious friend

It's just the same from the beginning to the end

When all is said and done"
Tyrone Wells - When All Is Said And Done

"Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure

And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven"
Eric Clapton - If I Saw You In Heaven

XOXO

The Beauty

I promised you more on my trip because the last post was just an intro. This post is dedicated to the natural beauty we saw all around us everywhere we went.

(Most of these photos taken by Ryan Brase)

The photos really don't do it justice. Guatemala is definitely the most beautiful place I have ever been. It's the poorest place as well. God is such an incredible artist. His creation in Guatemala is breathtaking. Stunning. Gorgeous. Tear-jerking. Heart wrenching. UNBELIEVABLE. You have no idea.

The clouds are coming!!

This is the biggest volcano in the country.
"The Handsome One"

Way out yonder is the ocean

This photo should really win an award or something. . .
Ryan is amazing with a camera.
This natural light is stunning.

Another volcano

Love what the black and white does to a photo

This shot is out of a window
of the church we built

Amazing

Went on a hike with a few peeps.
We found a waterfall!!
No  big deal.

The farming of corn and potatoes is a big deal in
Guatemala

My apologies for all the pictures beginning to look the same. Everything is so green and beautiful. So many gorgeous mountains. And the volcanoes! Oh so cool. The scenery of the trip didn't disappoint. There is beauty all around.

The next post will have more in depth, meaningful stories and memories in it. PREPARE ;)

XOXO