Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

Well that's just not true. That's one of the biggest lies we've ever been told. Words have power. Words are like a hammer. They can be used to build something beautiful, or they can be used for destruction - to tear something down.

Lately, stones have had a symbolic place in my life. As I have unpacked different feelings/emotions and been able to process certain events and journeys in my recent life, I have come to realize I allowed my heart to become a heart of stone. I caught a glimpse of bitterness and my hard heart. It was an ugly sight to see in myself.

It took coming to a breaking point - a point of utter exhaustion and despair to finally look inward and see these things in myself. I couldn't understand why, in this moment, I didn't have the joy I always had in every other difficult circumstance.

"I'm so tired," I would say.

When I had typhoid, I took it head on with a smile on my face and the joy of the Lord in my heart. I didn't let it get me down. I didn't feel defeated. Every time I broke a bone, tore a tendon, was in the hospital or had to have surgery, the Lord gave me peace and joy and strength.

But this time was different. This time felt heavy. This time I'm tired. I'm so exhausted. I had come to a breaking point and finally looked deep within and saw the ugliness of my heart of stone. A heart of bitterness. A heart that needed to forgive and let go of past hurt.

The symbolic heart of stone really did some wear and tear on my body. I've been sick. I've been in so much pain. Finally, the doctors informed me - I have kidney stones. How ironic it's a stone. A stone that will cause much pain before my body feels better - but it's because I must face it, and wash the stone away before I can be refreshed and new again.

It's been a good season, though. Encouragement is never far away when you have the good mentors that I do. I find strength and encouragement in Psalm 71. I find encouragement in knowing that David - a man after God's own heart - struggled at times and had such deep pain and dark moments, even considered walking away at times, but never did; and the Lord commends him and considered David a man after His own heart.

And I find ultimate joy and encouragement today in this:

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
Ezekiel 36:26 ESV

XO

I prayed. He answered.

I prayed. I prayed that God would place a dream in my heart so big that if it came true, it would be clear to me; it would be clear His love is deep, it would be clear HE made my dream happen, and it would be clear I was made for this.

He answered.

I prayed. I prayed, "Break my heart for what breaks yours." And Jesus wrecked my heart. He wrecked my heart and he wrecked the perfect little life I had planned out for myself.

He answered.

I prayed. I prayed that God would reveal that people like me are out there. People that love, and love hard. People that desire travel. People that require adventure. People that write. People that understand what life is about. People that don't need things; people that get it.

He answered.

I prayed. I prayed that God would radically change the way I live. That I wouldn't come back home and return to a life of normalcy; but rather make important and intricate changes - changes like living on less and living for more.

He answered.

The Lord is funny sometimes. We pray and pray - at times expectantly and other times not so much. He always answers. He always answers. He doesn't always answer the way we expect or the way we hope; but He always answers.

The Lord is funny because I prayed my prayers and His answers were, at times, completely unexpected.

I prayed about a dream and The Lord answered. He answered by placing a dream in my heart so big that I knew I could never achieve it on my own. The Lord placed a dream in my heart to do medical missions in Africa. I didn't know how I would get there. I didn't even know where on the continent I would go - but I KNEW The Lord placed this dream in my heart, and I KNEW He would see me through. And He did. He finished this work in me. The Lord allowed me follow this dream and fulfill this dream. He gave me the incredible opportunity to go to Uganda for 2 months and work in a Pediatric Neurosurgery hospital. It was the most incredible trip of my life. It was the most fulfilling time of my life. I met the most amazing people. I fell in love with a new place and a new people. The Lord showed me His love for me through this dream of mine. He showed me His love is deep. He made it clear to me that I was made for this.

I prayed. He answered.

I prayed, "Break my heart for what breaks yours," and He did. He broke my heart in more ways than one. The Lord revealed to me areas in my own life where I was not putting Him first. This breaks His heart - and that broke my heart too. He revealed this to me through certain events that wrecked my heart and turned my little life upside down. I thought I had everything planned out - but the thing is: you can't plan out your life without The Lord. His plans are greater.

  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I tried to plan my future on my own. But the Lord's plan for my future is way better than any plan I can dream up myself. Though my heart hurts at times and feels broken, I have hope and I'm excited for what HE has in store for me - because His love is deep and His love is wide. He knows my every need.

He broke my heart in other ways when I went to Africa and saw true poverty, real sickness, and what it means to be abandoned. This breaks His heart; it broke my heart too.

But seeing these things allowed me to know the need and be the light. We are called to be the light of the world - and being in a third world country in the middle of all these things, it was amazing to be able to share Christ's hope and love and light.

I prayed. He answered.

I prayed that God would reveal people to me. He did. He revealed to me that there are people like me. People who love, and love hard. People that desire travel. People that require adventure. People that write. People that understand what life is about. People that don't need things; people that get it.

I prayed. He answered.

I prayed that my life would change once I came back from my trip. He answered. But I am still a work in progress. The Lord answered this prayer by changing my view of what is important in life - but I constantly find myself frustrated. You see, in Uganda, I never saw a child complain about anything. That is not an exaggeration. Being back at home, I work as a camp counselor for children going into kindergarten. My days are filled with whining and complaining and crying over things hardly worth the tears. Now, I find myself constantly frustrated at people feeling entitled, people's greed, and how spoiled our children are. Don't get me wrong - I love them with all of my being, and they still bring me joy; but I can't help but think of the precious kids in Uganda who have next to nothing and never complain. They find something in the trash and it will be their toy and most treasured possession for days.

My life did change radically. My heart changed. Everything that is important to me shifted. My priorities changed.
Money doesn't matter. Material things don't matter. Where I live doesn't matter. What matters is my relationship with the Lord and that I make those around me feel loved.
Love and Christ matter.

I prayed. He answered.

XOXO

Ships and Anchors

Hebrews 6:19 says "We have this hope as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure."

If our souls contain the anchor, then my heart is the ship. And right now I am shipwrecked. But there's hope. There's always hope.

I'm shipwrecked because I am no longer in Uganda, but I sure as heck ain't home. Where is home anyway? Home is just a word we use to describe a feeling, isn't it? "Home is wherever I'm with you." "Home is wherever we are if there's love here too." The list goes on. . .

But me -- my heart is in so many places, with so many people. My love is all over the world. Part of my heart is in America, part of my heart is in Jamaica, part in Guatemala, and part is in Uganda.

I'm shipwrecked. I'm a nomad. A wanderer; without a home. But that's okay -- I'd rather it be that way and have love. I'd rather be a nomad without a home and have parts of my heart in different countries than only be in Phoenix.

My life is full this way. The journey is long. Sometimes it's dark. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you fall. Sometimes I'm scared. Sometimes I feel alone. But I have hope. I know I will eventually see light. I know my burden will lighten. I know my Father will pick me up. And I know I am being held ever-so-tightly.

I saw a lot when I was living abroad -- a lot of things that were heavy on the heart. But nothing compares to the emotions of coming home. It's the hardest part of the whole trip. I struggle with anger, anxiety, deep sadness, and other emotions I can't even put into words.

I didn't want to leave Uganda. I never wanted to leave. I don't want to go back to "normal" life in America -- where people feel entitled, where people complain about anything and everything, and where we have way too much. I don't want that life.

I want a life where I eat beans and posho everyday because that's all I can afford. I want a life where I live in a hut that I have to smear cow dung on. I want a life where I rely on The Lord for my every need -- instead of relying on myself.

But I'm learning that I can live like that anywhere. I don't have to be in Africa to live a life fully reliant on The Lord. I don't have to be in Africa to live a life that is poor in the world but rich in the kingdom of God. I can live like that anywhere. And what a statement to live like that in America -- where it's all about money, material things and "making it" on your own. I will not conform to the patterns of this world.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2 NIV)

My heart hurts coming home. But God is good. He knows my heart. He understands my pain and he knows my suffering. He hurts with me and comforts me. He is teaching me so much.

I'm thankful for this storm that is weathering my heart. I am thankful He is my anchor. I am thankful for the hope He gives me each day to carry on and know that loving His people is all I'm called to do. I am thankful for the ship that is my heart -- even though at times I feel shipwrecked, I will never sink.

Thank you Father for sharing your people with me for 7 weeks. Thank you Father for showing me Your heart. Thank you Father for letting me love like you do.

XO

Goodbyes aren't easy.

Have you ever been to the beach, standing in the waves just admiring the beauty around you - when all of a sudden, the most powerful wave comes out of nowhere, catches you off guard and completely knocks you off your feet?

That's how I feel right now as CURE Children's Hospital of Uganda disappears in the rear view mirror of our van.

I feel blindsided and completely knocked off my feet. A wave just crashed into me out of nowhere when I was minding my own business admiring the beautiful people and beautiful places around me.

My heart hurts as I leave people behind not knowing if I will ever see them again; people who have left a mark on my life forever.

Goodbyes are never easy. Words never seem sufficient for my love and appreciation for the people I have met and built relationships with. But I consider myself so blessed to have built such deep friendships and sweet relationships that it makes saying goodbye so hard.

Is my heart wrecked? Absolutely. But I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful because it means my time in Uganda was well spent. The tough goodbye means my friendships are real and I have learned much and loved more. The difficult goodbye means I have been impacted greatly. What more could I ask for?

XO

Rafting the Nile

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Pharaoh’s heart is hardened; he refuses to let the people go. Go to Pharaoh in the morning, as he is going out to the water. Stand on the bank of the Nile to meet him, and take in your hand the staff that turned into a serpent. And you shall say to him, ‘The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, sent me to you, saying, “Let my people go, that they may serve me in the wilderness.” But so far, you have not obeyed. Thus says the Lord, “By this you shall know that I am the Lord : behold, with the staff that is in my hand I will strike the water that is in the Nile, and it shall turn into blood. The fish in the Nile shall die, and the Nile will stink, and the Egyptians will grow weary of drinking water from the Nile.”’” And the Lord said to Moses, “Say to Aaron, ‘Take your staff and stretch out your hand over the waters of Egypt, over their rivers, their canals, and their ponds, and all their pools of water, so that they may become blood, and there shall be blood throughout all the land of Egypt, even in vessels of wood and in vessels of stone.’” Moses and Aaron did as the Lord commanded. In the sight of Pharaoh and in the sight of his servants he lifted up the staff and struck the water in the Nile, and all the water in the Nile turned into blood. And the fish in the Nile died, and the Nile stank, so that the Egyptians could not drink water from the Nile. There was blood throughout all the land of Egypt. (Exodus 7:14-21 ESV)

I rafted the Nile. The very Nile that was once blood. Now, you may tell me that it was only turned to blood in Egypt, but just let me have this -- please.

My adventure that was rafting the Nile was... Terrifying, invigorating, incredible, and just downright legit.

I never realized I had a "scared face" until I bought the professional photos that were taken of us going down the rapids -- and I saw my facial expression in EVERY.SINGLE.PHOTO. I look like I'm about to cry // I am close to death. Mark joked that if a couple of the photos were cropped, it would look like I just received some really bad news. I'll let you decide for yourself.

Even though it was terrifying, it was SO much fun. We were on the water for a total of 6 hours -- with a lunch break somewhere in the middle. We went down different rapids, ranging from grade 3 to grade 5. [To put this in perspective, a grade 6 rapid is known as "suicide" and no one (not even the guides) are allowed to attempt them.] So grade 5 is pretty intense, to say the least.

I am so happy we got photos of this incredible adventure. It is an experience I will never forget in all my life. The Lord really created a masterpiece when He made the Nile. It's amazing.

Now, feast your eyes on these awesome photos. Courtesy of Nalubale Rafting.

Thank you for following my adventure // journey

XO

Learning and Journeying

It's been a journey, this whole process.

I've been gone exactly 44 days now and it's been the most incredible time of my life. It's amazing how 44 days can change you.

In 44 days I have loved, I have learned, I have laughed, I have cried.

44 days and I'm not the same girl that boarded the plane in Phoenix that day. My eyes have seen things, my ears have heard things, my heart has encountered and felt things I never could have imagined.

It's hard to process everything that has happened, but as I sit here in the comfort of the guesthouse on the CURE hospital grounds, I feel at peace.

The journey that is my life in Uganda began long before I boarded the plane in Phoenix. It was weeks and months of preparation for such a monumental time of my life. It seems that with every big, monumental spiritual journey I go on with The Lord, I happen to go through the dark places first. And this journey was no exception.

It was hard leading up to this trip. I was nervous, I was anxious, I was broken and hurting. But in the dark places is where the Lord's light always shines the brightest. He never fails. His love is sufficient. He is enough. He never ceases to amaze me.

I read a book while living here in Uganda. This book is called "Kisses from Katie" and it is written by a young woman named Katie Davis who left her life in America and moved to Uganda. She moved here to become a teacher for what she thought would only be a year - but turned out to be permanent. She adopted 13 precious daughters and now runs a ministry called Amazima that helps support women in her village in Jinja get back on their feet.

In her book, Katie's words spoke deeply to my heart as I was beginning my journey. She said,

"I have learned along my journey that if I really want to follow Jesus, I will go to the hard places. Being a Christ follower means being acquainted with sorrow. We must know sorrow to be able to fully appreciate joy. Joy costs pain, but the pain is worth it. After all, the murder had to take place before the resurrection.

I'll be honest: the hard places can seem unbearable. It's dark and it's scary, and even though I know God said He will never leave or forsake me, sometimes it's so dark that I just can't see Him. But then the most incredible thing happens: God takes me by the hand and walks me straight out of the hard place and into the beauty on the other side. He whispers to me to be thankful, that even this will be for His good.

It takes awhile sometimes, coming out of the dark place. Sometimes God and I come out into a desert and he has to carry me through that too. Sometimes I slip a lot on the way out and He has to keep coming back to me. Always, on the other side is something beautiful, because He has used the hard place to increase my sense of urgency and to align my desires with His. I realize that it was there that He was closest to me, even in the times when I didn't see Him. I realize that the hard places are good because it is there that I gained more wisdom, and though with wisdom comes sorrow, on the other side of sorrow is joy. And a funny thing happens when I realize this: I want to go to the hard place again. Again and again and again."

So the weeks leading up to my trip were hard. They were emotional and at times they were dark. But The Lord took me by the hand and led me out of that place. He took me on a journey across the world to a land with broken people. He showed me His heart in a way I have never before experienced. And on this journey, He has taken me out of the dark places and brought me into His light. He has brought me such joy. Because on the other side of sorrow is joy.

Let us remember that The Lord uses everything and wastes nothing. He doesn't waste pain.

I was learning these things on my way to Uganda -- and these lessons have been so essential to my everyday life.

I see children with hydrocephalus and spina bifida everyday. I see children with brain tumors. I watch as mothers hear the news that their child has cerebral palsy and cannot be treated here. 

But The Lord uses everything and wastes nothing. God doesn't waste pain. It's in the dark places that His light shines the brightest.

Here in Uganda, I have experienced life and death in ways I never had before. I woke up one morning to the loudest wailing I have ever heard. A mother had lost her 22 year old son in the night. He passed away in surgery. It was a trauma case and this particular patient came to us in very bad shape. I later found out this man was married with 6 children.

But The Lord uses everything and wastes nothing. God doesn't waste pain. It's in the dark places that His light shines the brightest.

Do not forget in the darkness what you have been promised in the light. Christ shares in our sufferings. He does not apologize for our heartache, but He shares it -- even better.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in The Lord."

(Psalm 40:2,3)

I wouldn't trade my journey for anything. There has been heartache and there has been pain; but those things have brought me to where I am today. The dark places bring me closer to the one who is the Light of the world. And for that, I am forever grateful. If it takes going through the pain and the dark places to know the love of my Lord better, then take me to the pain and take me to the dark places.

The dark places allow me to relate to the brokenhearted. The dark places allow me to have insight into what sorrow and pain look like; and I have learned how to cling to the One who will never leave or forsake me. Through this journey I have learned much that I can pass on to the broken and hurting mothers and families here in Uganda.

Thank you Lord for my journey. Thank you for the struggles; thank you for the pain. You have never left my side.

"When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then I carried you."

Footprints in the Sand

XO

Impact.

Coming home is never easy. It's never fun either.

But they say home is where the heart is. . . Well my heart is in a Guatemalan village 10,000 feet in the mountains. Does that make Guatemala home? Maybe I'm just a nomad. Lost and confused.

I returned from a 10 day trip to Guatemala. This was my second time and it was great. The first trip was life changing - the greatest trip of my life. This trip didn't disappoint. Still changed me. Still great! :)

There is something so special about your first time in a new place. The first time you meet the people there, taste the food, see the sights, get bit by the bugs. . .

HOWEVER, nothing can compare to returning to the same village and seeing the same children and people that I met last year. The second I stepped out of the van, my 9 year old friend, Ruth, RAN up to me and embraced me with all she had. You just can't describe those moments. It's moments like those that made this trip. Reconnecting with old friends. Seeing the smiles on the faces of the people you met a year earlier.  All that was going through my mind was "they remember."

My Ruth is the one in the light green jacket giggling to herself ;)

Oftentimes I come across people who question the impact of short term missions. Trust me, I get it. It used to be hard for me to hear these people out because I have such a heart for missions and have been on 5 trips myself. But I really do understand their concern. But it's the little moments like THAT - Ruth running up and embracing me with the biggest smile I've ever seen. Laughter in the air; music to my ears. They remember! We bring joy and encouragement to these people. We build relationships and love them like Jesus loves them.

We had a sermon in church today on James 1:27. "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."  That's what we're doing in this village. THAT is what short term missions is all about.

If you read my posts from last year's trip or talked to me at all, you may remember that last year we laid the block for the church in the village. We built the first story. Finished all the block work. I was so excited to see how much further they had gotten in a year's time. I was saddened to see there was little to no progress on the church since our last day in the village last year. This also solidifies my belief that we are making an impact. WE are building this church in Guatemala. Literally building the church.

Working hard on the re-bar

This year we did all of the re-bar work for them to lay the ceiling of the first story/floor of the second story and begin to build up. Re-bar work is very tedious and time consuming. It was so awesome to see how excited and overjoyed all of the people in the village were just to have us there. Our presence lit up their faces. Their smiles are so bright and bring tears to my eyes. I've never seen such beautiful smiles.

I know that we made a difference being there. We made a difference in the village physically by building the church building. We made a difference in the church spiritually by helping build the church body and bringing believers to their community. We made a difference personally by continuing relationships that were made and built last year. Not only is this village being impacted, but so am I. I can't help but be impacted by their joy, excitement, and unconditional love for everyone around them. They have nothing but are more than content. They are so generous. I definitely learn from them each time I interact - language barriers don't stop love and joy. Some things are universal.

Their smiles are more beautiful than anything I've seen.
Their laughter is music to my ears.

XOXO

The Love.

I've been putting this off. This last post about Guatemala. I don't want it to end. I know it's silly for me to hold it in and not express my emotions, my feelings, my experiences with THE LOVE. But part of me felt like writing the last post, meant that it was really over.

But it's not.

It's not over. It will never be over in my heart. My life was forever changed by this trip. My view on love was forever changed by this trip. I was forever changed by this trip.

So here we go. To talk about love. A love few have ever experienced. Few will ever experience. And I was blessed enough to see that love in action. And to be right smack dab in the middle of it.

From day one working in the village, high on that mountain, among the clouds, I felt something unlike anything I had ever felt before. It was a warm fuzzy feeling. A feeling that tore down all the walls I built up around myself. Broke through all my insecurities and uncomfortable-ness (I realize this is not a real word. Don't care). Made me forget all of the bad things in the world, and simply see the beauty all around. This feeling was amazing. And happy. And forgiving. Not afraid. Not judgmental. Boundless. Unconditional. Unending.

This was love in its purest form.

I felt loved like never before by people that didn't even know me! And I shared this love for them as well - people I had met 5 minutes prior. I was absolutely in love with them. These children. These adults. These Guatemalan people who wore the brightest, biggest smiles I had ever seen. People who were more generous than anyone I had ever met even though they had much less "stuff" than anyone I know.

These new loves of mine understood life. They understood that LOVE in its purest form is above all else. Love never fails. Love never gives up. Love covers a multitude of sins. LOVE CONQUERS.

This love was contagious. I saw it in the eyes of Ruth. I saw it in the eyes of Raul. In the eyes of Dr. Gomez. Hugo. Marvin. Everyone! This love filled my heart with a joy I could not contain. This love filled my eyes with tears because I had never seen or felt or experienced something so beautiful.

Loves

This love made me forget all of the bad in the world. This love made me focus on the good in everyone and everything. This love was REAL. No words can describe it. Just writing about it fills my heart and my eyes the way it did each day I saw my Guatemalan friends.

It's impossible for me not to smile at this one :)

It hurts my heart knowing they are far away. But are they really? They all left fingerprints on my heart. They each have a special place in my heart forever. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my loves in Guatemala - especially with the earthquake that struck not too long ago. I pray that the Lord protects them as I know He will.

I miss my girls

My Guatemalan friends showed me what love really means. They showed me the true meaning and the true image of love. In its purest form. And even though I know no earthly love can even compare to the Father's love for us, their love was the closest I have ever seen or experienced to God's love.

<3 most loving sibling in the world

Their love was joyful and patient and kind. There love was generous and pure and honest. Their love was gentle and peaceful and good. Their love was selfless and faithful and indescribable. I wish everyone could experience a love like this. It's so special to me and all who experienced it.

Pure joy

I want to love like them. A love that lasts. A love that endures. A love that never fails, never gives up, and had no bounds.

I love you <3 - Raul

XOXO

Kisses and Collapses

It's no secret that I have a favorite speaker. He also happens to be my favorite author. His name is Josh. . . Josh Riebock. Have you heard of him? Maybe I've told you about his book I read. It's called "Heroes and Monsters" and I believe it's a book we should ALL read at some point.

Well anyways, Josh paid a visit to Grand Canyon not too long ago. I am always so eager to hear him speak and share God's Word with me. You see, Josh is so. . . real. He's real. He's a broken man with real problems and real struggles. He doesn't stand up in front of everyone and act all high and mighty. He's real. He's raw. He's personal. He's relate-able. And I love it.

So he came to speak. I was so excited to hear him and brought Nate along with me. It was a Tuesday night. One I won't soon forget. See, Josh has a way of bringing you to tears. Not just me - everyone. Remember how I mentioned he's relate-able? There's something about being able to relate to a person; to their struggles, their heartbreak, their fear, their dreams, their life. And that's what he did. He read us a narrative he had written. It's now my favorite and I will save it forever.

Kisses and Collapses by Josh James Riebock

Behind the church, I kissed you with my eyes open. It was just so hard to believe that you were real. Were you?

It was night and the air was hot and the moon let us walk beneath her bright skirt, so we did. We walked on and on into forever, two tiny specks mingling with the stars, all of history, even angels. Crossing the street, you took my hand and we stopped. Traffic stopped too, cars honking their horns, the angry shadows of people behind glass cursing and shaking their fists at us, in such a hurry to arrive at places they didn't want to be. We didn't want to be anywhere else. The light turned green and horns kept honking and right there you told me that you loved me and this time I had to close my eyes. For some reason it hurt to hear. No, I wasn't imagining that you were someone else. I was imagining that I was someone else. Someone who deserved you. Someone who could be what you needed.

Time brushed by against our cheek.

We bought a home and soon it collapsed. So we rebuilt it. And it collapsed again. I knelt in the dust and bent nails of our life together and I cried. You bent down next to me and you laughed, and said that we should find a place where homes can't collapse. Where is that? I had to know. You said that place is wherever we are. Then I cried again. In the rubble I saw our collapse, and you saw our foundation. Is there a difference?

Soon our youth ran off.

We became gray. We grew shorter. Life shrank around us. And we didn't know how to stop it. Maybe that's why we fought. I shouted. You held your breath. I folded my arms. You combed your hair. Our faces turned red, but I kept my eyes open. I had to see your expression. Did you look at me the same as you did that night behind the church? After all these years, and all these kisses, and all these collapses, were you still real? And could you make me real too? Did I even want you to?

I needed you to love me. I needed you to let me go. But you never did. Somehow you always smiled through your pain, and wept over mine. And in the silent wake of our wars, you held me close and I felt safe. Safe from myself. I wanted to climb inside your chest, close the doors behind me, and lock myself inside, hidden away within someone who cared for me.

The end came more quickly than we thought it could. No one really believes in the end. But when it arrived for us, I asked it to give me one more minute with you. Just one.

Then I looked for a final time over our worn, sunken shoulder, through every page that we wrote together, through every poem and every bruise, every kiss and every collapse. I inhaled each one. And when I reached the last page of our lives, I tore it out, folded it neatly, and tucked it inside my lips. Then I leaned over and kissed you, whispering, Here is our story...

A thousand times I threw in the towel. A thousand times you picked it up, and used it to wipe the quit from my eyes.

WOW. How beautiful! After reading us this narrative, Josh described that all forms of love are found in it. But most importantly, GOD's love.

"A thousand times I threw in the towel. A thousand times you picked it up, and used it to wipe the quit from my eyes."

XOXO

The Work.

Once again, apologies for the ridiculous chunks of time that pass between my posts.

It's late September and I'm still trying to wrap up some posts on a June mission trip!

But as we all know, life gets crazy sometimes - and NOW is that time for me.

The Work.

The work we did in Guatemala was far greater than any other mission trip I have been a part of. It was also the first trip where I could physically SEE the difference we were making. I could SEE the progress and mark we were leaving on this village. And it never ceases to fill my heart with warmth and love as well as fill my eyes with tears of joy and blessing.

What my team and I did in Guatemala was build a new church for the people of this small (in land) but large (in population and love) village. SO COOL. Being a part of this work was amazing. Never in my life did I expect to be a part of a construction team or project. I mean look at me. Think about it. . . People like myself aren't really cut out for this kind of work. But as one of my favorite quotations states "God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called."

It was so obvious to me that I was being called to be a part of this team, this mission, this work. I heard the Lord loud and clear. I felt Him tugging on my heart strings like never before. I NEEDED to do this. And boy am I glad I listened to His call.

I have never experienced God the way I did on this trip. I was in a tiny village I had never heard of before, being the hands and feet of Jesus to people who loved Him like I had never seen.

Talk about CRAZY LOVE!

It's still amazing to think I was a part of building something that the body of Christ will gather in and praise His name! Day after day. I know it's not about me. But it's such an incredible feeling to know that I am the most unlikely person to do this sort of work, but God qualified me for the job - and I did it! Not in my power, but in His.

And I felt the Lord blessing ME while He was blessing these people through my team and I. My heart is so full from this trip. STILL. It literally changed me. These people made a mark on my life that will never go away. My heart is branded by them forever.

And the Lord threw a little something my way on the trip as well. You see, it's always been a dream of mine to do medical missions. And one day of this trip, I was able to work in the medical clinic. That day is forever ingrained into my memory. I don't speak Spanish. Like at all. But the Lord miraculously gave me the words to speak with the doctor and the patients and understand what was going on. I was able to take their vitals and listen to their symptoms and how the doctor diagnosed them. It was heartbreaking hearing the stories of what happened to these people, and even more heartbreaking to hear how much time had passed since their symptoms began. . .

Months, YEARS even. And they never saw a doctor. They don't have that opportunity. And that is exactly what drives my dream of medical missions. People that NEVER get to see a doctor and live with pain and agony from childhood, well into adulthood and live through the pain.

But it was amazing to be a part of this medical experience for them. AMAZING. A dream come true. And I love that my dream came true through helping others. There's nothing like it.

The work we did there was visible, but also personal. I left feeling so full of love, blessing, and that I truly, truly helped. And these people are the warmest, friendliest, and most loving people I have ever met. I want to be like them.

I love her :)

Pressure's on!

My favorite trainer (Marvin) and Frank!

Love these little faces

Before

Nice work ladies!

Dramatic shot

Best teammate ever

Progress

TROUBLE

Is that a smile?
That means we're doing good, right?

Romelia

Little Samuel. Adorable as ever.

Nick work Frank, Seth and Esteban!

Break-time hike

Seth with our unbelievable trainers!

Team Perfection.
Most beautiful walls award goes to. . .
MORGAN AND CARA

Chop that block Ryan!

My Ruth.

Team Awesome.
Ryan, Me, Marvin (our incredible teacher)

Re-bar (?) haha I think

Medical Clinic!
(This is the dentist at work)

The Places.

I promised a post on the different places we went in Guatemala.

And then I realized the lack of pictures. . .

But here we go anyway!

First, the Phoenix airport! DUH.

YAY TEAM!

Next. . . The plane!

What am I looking at? . .

Next. . . Customs in Guatemalan airport!

Helping each other figure out the customs sheets

On to the van we go! For a five hour drive! After 7 hours on a plane! KILL ME.

Tired.

Made it to the hotel!

Good lookin team!

Obnoxious dog at the hotel. . . Trapped in an enclosure on the roof

And man could he bark loud

Off to eat!

Albamar Restaurant

And the city of Quetzaltenango

AKA the city we stayed in

The village we worked in

Village kids playing soccer (futbol)

Great shot.

We were so high up, we were in the clouds! Literally.

The temporary shack church

Dr. Gomez speaking at church on Sunday

What the new church looked like when we arrived

The clouds are among us!

We spent lots of time in the van

Three amigos

It rained. A LOT. And some days the van couldn't make it up the crazy mountain to the village we were working in. . . So we had to ride up in the beds of trucks. I actually enjoyed it :) At least until the temperature dropped significantly and it began to rain. Of course.

Feelin good!

A little chilly

Now a little warm

Just right. Happy camper.

And the boots. Can't get enough of the boots.

Oh boy.

Girls.

FRIENDS!

Morgan :)

Arabian Knight? Or Ninja? Hmm. . . Definitely never saw him

Shopping! For food! In a Wal-Mart owned store!

And now. . . Introducing my favorite place on this planet. . . ANTIGUA!!!!!!!!

Central Park

I adore horse-drawn carriages!

Beatifully artistic architecture

Ancient. WOW.

Hmm. . .

Main Street. El Guapo in the back.
"The Handsome One" volcano

So dang pretty

I love it here

Church!

Best coffee shop ever.

Bible scenes!

Coolest church ever.

Seriously. It doesn't get any better. I could call this place home!

One more shot of Main Street

We ate here one night. So good.

POPS. Ice cream! Best mint chocolate chip ice cream in the world.

Love it.

Beauty.

The cross.

So those are the places I went on my trip! Antigua was seriously amazing. Everyone should go. Starbucks has a coffee plantation there! It's where they get their Antigua blend! MMM.

XOXO